HRT day 17.
I always wanted to be more social. I cared about people, wanted to know them more deeply, and wanted them to know me. I just never enjoyed the experience because I felt that the time people spent on me was an arduous act of charity that they endured for my sake, out of politeness and perhaps pity. I therefore kept to myself, unintentionally presented a pretty hard exterior that made me seem abrasive and antisocial, and spent nights wishing I could be closer to people around me. I was ashamed of who I was, and ultimately faded out of the lives of everyone I met sooner or later, once I felt I'd revealed too much of myself to put them through any more. It was lonely, and worst of all, many of these people continued trying to reach out while I sequestered myself and waited for the guilt to subside.
Short of growing breasts and marked shifts in fat distribution that I likely won't see for many months, I can never be sure what's an estrogen thing, what's a placebo thing, and what's just a good mood, but the last few days have been an unprecedented shift in my overall outlook. I talk honestly with people. I opened up to my mother about deeply personal things that I've kept guarded for decades. I message people just to ask if they're doing okay and if they want to catch up over coffee some time, and without even cringing at myself for doing so.
Today I've been thinking a lot about how remarkable it is to simply feel like I'm allowed to exist in the world, and allowed to be part of other people's lives. This isn't me. Except it is, and I hope it stays this way forever.
I remember that feeling so clearly. Mood boost is one of the earliest benefits of HRT, or at least it was for me. Congrats!
Also for what it's worth, I could never really date all that much before hormones. A month into HRT I had a cute little fling and later that year I met my boyfriend. 5 years and going strong.
You just triggered an overwhelming urge to share my entire dating history with you. I'll resist, but suffice to say I probably shouldn't have dated anyone before HRT either. One of the many reasons it's hard not to dwell on the regret of transitioning so late.
I'm going through a breakup right now. It's been 7 days. We're still in touch, coaching each other through the hard times while trying to maintain a healthy amount of distance so we can each move on. This too is unprecedented. The very idea of speaking to an ex.
Really happy to hear about your BF. Being stable enough to keep a relationship alive for that long is honestly my ultimate goal. Low–key hoping my ex and I find our way back to each other as I continue to find my way to myself.
Big changes! HRT and surgeries are often inflection points for breakups. Sounds like you’re on the right track. Breakups are hard during any time let alone during second puberty. Good luck 🫶