So if this isn’t the right community for this I get it, and feel free to remove it (but please do let me know why, so I don’t make the same mistake in the future, the rules don’t really say what sort of content, and this feels pretty femme-centric)
Partially I need to vent and don’t have a great social network at the moment, and partially I’m looking for ways to handle.. not the situations (those I can mostly handle as ex-military, former wrestler, badass chick 💪), but the guilty uncomfortable awkward feelings. Those are new since I stopped trying so hard to mask and started experiencing myself more.
I bartend once a week at a bar and grill as the only employee of my shift (I also cook and it’s too much tbh), and I guess that used to be a lot easier, or maybe the places I was working were just… less likely to attract the sort of people this one does.. it’s sort of an older-crowd townie bar (I’m complimented on being highly competent, and I feel like I’m drowning), with a local heavy drinking culture. It doesn’t cost a lot to sit and drink all night, so a lot of people do. ($1-1.50 for mugs, or 1.75-2.25 for pints/bottles of cheap swill - on Wisconsin..?)
I usually try to dress super frumpy, baggy sweatshirt and stuff, because I’m ace/aro, not very social, and somewhere on the autism spectrum, and getting hit on at work is nothing but wildly uncomfortable.
I’ve made the mistake before of looking somewhat nice (no makeup or jewelry, just something that fits better than a baggy hoodie), and it doesn’t net me more tips, it just leads to uncomfortable propositions. Drunk dudes, am I right?
Young guy tonight (based on his first console, probs like mid 20s) was super nice, totally nerdy and probably wasn’t expecting a chat about video games with a collector at a dive bar, but I’m just not interested in hanging out for playing right now because I’m moving in two months, otherwise I’d risk the awkwardness even though I can tell it would have been at best a weird friendship. I felt really bad for that rejection when he verbally swallowed his feelings and asked anyway (would.. never mind.. well maybe you’d like to). Because just bad timing. Even my boss knows I’m leaving at the end of July, and have a lot of work to do. He rushed out after but it legit wasn’t personal. Poor kid. (Omg I feel old. He didn’t like Reddit or other social link aggregators and I introduced him to the concept of RSS feeds..)
Coworker didn’t bother trying to be subtle. He’s around a lot and always drunk, and he today said “I know you are asexual and I respect that, but I really want to just ravage you” and so on and so forth with increasing specificity, for a very uncomfortable half an hour of drunken propositional rambling (despite my very clear “no, thank you, you know I’m really not interested in that with you or anyone else. That doesn’t sound fun to me as much as you think it should, so I’m not interested, but thank you for being honest about it so we could be entirely clear, now please stop commenting on what you want to do to me..”) while I tried to clean.. and prior he tried to pick a fight with some other guy I’ve never seen before that one of my regulars also had never met.. and I had to tell him to chill the fuck out.. I’ve never had to flex my powers as the sole voice of the bar before and it suuuucked, but he did indeed shut the fuck up and sit down. So that was kinda fun?
And I’m just.. so tired of fending off this shit. I don’t want any of it. I don’t wear makeup, I stopped trying to cover my gray hair years ago, and I intentionally dress to not impress.. I’m just trying to do my job and also be comfortable with the heat.. I’m not even all that nice to anyone, other than quiet lady folks. Especially those who clearly don’t want to be there and just got dragged along. I try to keep them entertained when I can, and make them question their dynamic. I get being there.
How do I deal with feeling like crap about other people being gross? Or risking their all to be turned down by someone doing a job? I know how to be strong and upfront and honest, to do the work to be clear about my intentions, even if I’m nice about it, but I don’t have a clue how to feel better about it..
Respectfully, that's far too many words. He said he knows you're not interested, so everything after that is deliberate harassment. So if you're comfortable with it, you should say "you know I'm not interested, now quit harassing me!"
I wouldn't normally give this advice but since you've said you can handle physical confrontation, the direct route may work for you. You're being too nice to a guy who is being zero nice to you. I also wonder if this guy is taking ace/aro the same way some guys take lesbian - as in, they see it as a challenge and think their magic dick will "fix" you. (Obviously you're not broken).
As far as the guilty feelings, I get it - society trains us to care about others' feelings more than our own. But try to remind yourself that he's being deliberately offensive and it's OK to be rude back sometimes.
As for the young guy, that kind of situation happens. It sucks but that's life, and honestly, it's good you gave a firm but kind rejection. I think you handled that one fine! I can't tell from the story if he was hitting on you or just awkwardly trying to make a new friend, but either way, 'no' is a complete sentence. 'No, thanks' if you want to be kind. You don't owe anybody an explanation.
Since you're asking how to feel better about saying no, consider that these men (especially your coworker) aren't taking the time to feel badly about imposing on you. They aren't giving you due consideration, so why feel badly about giving them the same energy? Give yourself permission to not care. They'll live.
Good luck!
It was over the course of half an hour, rather than a single quotation, but fair enough.
And your right that they don’t pay the same heed.. I wish there was a magic phrase that actually worked to stop some of that crap and also relieved the discomfort, but alas.
"If you ask me one more time I will stab you with this knife."
Usually, if you tell a man hitting on you, "only if I can penetrate your ass first", "sorry my cunt is bleeding", "sorry I just banged like 6 dudes yesterday, I'm tired", "bro I'd rather fuck your dad", they shut the fuck up.
I harrass back. I worked in male dominant manufacturing, being just as disgusting as they were was the only thing that worked. I did get called to HR for the "my cunt is bleeding" comment but we actually had a laugh together as I responded, "do you know the disgusting shit these guys say, but I'm not a big baby and complain?". So that one is the best one I think, because someone was motivated enough to tell on me for it.
Maybe not the safest approach in a bar with drunk dudes you don't know, but the ones you know, I find being just as disgusting verbally makes them not want you. I'm not nice to creeps, I speak like a man, I literally feel my balls grow in these moments, and I feed it back
Edit, this is posted as a reply unintentionally, sorry