Asklemmy

To the ends of coherent communication, intent always has to have priority over perception. That's not to absolve speakers of responsibility for failures of communication, just to define the ends of communication.

Consider a discorse you may have heard before, in some variation:

A: How're you? B: I'm terrible. I was trying to mow the lawn today, and the mower just wouldn't start. I think the gas I used was too old. Did you know gasoline can actually expire? (etc for a couple of minutes). A: I'm so sorry to hear that. Your total is $57.48. Will that be cash or card?

B misinterprets A's perfunctory greeting as a literal inquiry. What's more important? That A's original intent be understood (I.e. A simple salutation and transaction)? Or that B's interpretation be recognized and explored? I believe it's A's intent.

Or maybe: C: Nice shirt! D: What? C: I said that's a nice shirt man. It looks good on you. D: I'm not gay. C: What?

D's perception of C's compliment as a sexual advance is incorrect. What's more important here: C's intent, or D's interpretation? I believe it's again C's intent. Maybe it's easier to empathize with C here, but I think the principle holds broadly. C gives a compliment, and D replies with a general inquiry as to the intent. C mistakenly believes that he was not heard clearly, and repeats the statement with greater detail. D, believing that C is clarifying that he is making a pass at him, expresses that he is not interested. C is confused D's seemingly random declaration of his sexual orientation, and asks why he said that.

And on it goes when people talk past each other. But the way people stop talking past each other is by understanding the intent behind each other's words. Understanding a perception, or more particularly a misperception, only gets you part of the way there. It helps you determine whether or not communication was successful, but it is a measure of the success of communication only by the degree to which it conforms to the intent of the speaker.