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No one understand how I struggle hour by hour to not become violent. It's medical and I have almost no control over when it will arise
I have done very well, only ever let myself go once in my life and have regretted it ever since.
Whenever I tell people they assume I'm trying to be an edgy badass when really I am so fucking tired of having to isolate myself for most of my life for other people's safety and so fucking lonely because any IRL friend that hangs around me enough is going to see an episode and ghost me.
Add on top of that literally every social outlet I've had has been whittled away.
I don't WANT to be an angry person. I like peace and cats and relaxing music. I'm a pacifist and would have been a conscientious objector had I been drafted. I have general goodwill towards most people unless they prove themselves unworthy. I give even proven liars the benefit of the doubt because I want to see the best in people but nearly every minute of my life a part of my fucking mind is on overdrive looking for a reason to break someone's arm.
I have spent decades learning how to make myself look small and nonthreatening and I wear it like a mask all the time because when I walk the way my brain wants me to walk I get called into HR for no fucking reason
I have never threatened anyone, never even spoke loudly more than a handful of times but I have lost SEVEN FUCKING JOBS because HR tells me 'You're making people in the workplace uncomfortable'
"Wow, I had no idea that was a real problem. But I can understand that it’s a very difficult situation to deal with. In those cases, I think all you can do is 'try to move forward.' Have you tried any kind of spirituality or religiosity?"
Yes, some time on an ashram gave me some tools, and I have a degree of Christian faith that is hard to explain. And both are part of how I managed to stay out of jail this long