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this post was submitted on 02 Sep 2023
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Privacy
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Breh that attitude is 100% self defeating and contributing to the struggle you're having connecting with people both irl and online. Neurotypical people aren't all just good at everything you're not. They struggle with some things just as much as non-neurotypical people do. If there's one piece of advice id ask you to hear is not to focus on finding a date or someone to be with. Focus on developing your own independent interests and engage with the communities around those interests. But go into it with only the desire to connect with people, whatever form that takes. Do that enough times and you should start finding people who might just be interested in spending time with you rather than just sharing an activity together. Dating apps are dehumanizing and are for the hot and naturally charming, definitely not worth engaging unless you have an abundance of confidence and a tolerance for being value judged on every aspect of yourself.
Sounds like you are making a lot of assumptions about me. I do plenty of activities, have friends, etc. The issue is that my brain doesn't know how to engage romantically with people when the social context isn't crystal clear. Especially since I get overwhelmed in social situations with more than a handful of people, so big clubs and the like aren't an option. Things like "flirting", "being attractive", etc. are alien concepts to my neurology. So I'm out there living my life, but the way I live my life isn't ever going to intersect with me finding a partner. If it was, it would have happened by now.
People often try to give me advice (which generally seems to assume I'm some kind of basement-dwelling incel) like "treat women like you treat anyone else", "don't try too hard", or "don't put women on a pedestal", which frankly is all a bit insulting. I don't treat women any different than I treat men, I have some women friends/coworkers/classmates/acquaintances, and I get along well with them in general. But I've never in my life actually been romantically desired by a woman. And it's not for being ugly or anything; I've had close friends tell me there's nothing really wrong with my appearance. I literally just don't know how to be the kind of person that a woman would ever so much as consider as a romantic prospect.
With a dating app, the context is clear and explicit. Both people are on there for dating, so I don't need to deal with all of the bullshit subtext of understanding if someone is just being friendly or if they are actually interested in me. That stuff is impossible for me, and I basically have a 100% failure rate of catching feelings for women in my life who are just being nice to me but never actually thought of me as a possible partner.
Also, you're kidding yourself if you think meeting potential romantic prospects IRL doesn't require a certain amount of natural charm and charisma. I'd much rather at least use an app where I can meticulously craft a first impression instead of rely on my actual charisma in the moment to make a first impression. Literally everything you said in the last couple sentences of your reply applies to IRL trying to meet someone as well.