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Some refrigerators are white

A new fridge is young and “healthy”

A fridge can be over 6 feet tall

You can attach a suction cup dildo, or any sex toy you choose, to a fridge

Although fridges are completely neutral when it comes to honor and morality, I suspect they have a more tolerable personality

Refrigerators are available in many styles. You can pick one that you find “handsome”, or just tape a poster to it.

In a pinch, you can hide inside a refrigerator for protection

Refrigerators excel at providing resources. As for “coverture”, I’m still not completely sure what it is (even after looking it up) but it sounds like an outdated kind of marriage arrangement. That’s not something a refrigerator can provide, but I’m not sure someone would want it anyway.

Refrigerators have no stance when it comes to children, but since time out of mind, they have been encouraging the creativity of children by proudly displaying their artwork. The value of OPs influence on children is… questionable.

Most refrigerators cannot cook, and none can do the prep work. This is the only clear win for OP.

Most refrigerators can float if you tie the door shut. You may have to remove the compressor, though, because those things are heavy.

Refrigerators will silently watch any show you choose, or no shows at all. Same goes for music.