So at 4:30 in the morning, I was woken by an interdimensional alien monstrosity I can only imagine is one of the creatures David Grusch was alluding to in that Congressional hearing a few weeks ago, and after an hour of running away, suppressing my screams, and unsuccessful attempts at smashing the thing, I have captured it in a Mason jar, and now have no idea how to properly punish it.
And I emphasize punish as opposed to simply kill, for the indignities this not-so-little asshole put me through the past hour render it completely undeserving of any mercy, quarter, or protection under our legal system.
IT'S HALF THE SIZE OF MY FUCKING HAND.
IT, IT'S BROWN AND SHINY ALL AT THE SAME TIME SOMEHOW.
IT FLEW. I HAD TO DODGE TO KEEP IT FROM FLYING IN MY FACE. ๐ก๐ก๐ก๐คฌ๐คฌ๐คฌ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฐ
It dared to defy the authority of the top creature of the motherfucking pecking order on Earth, and for my humiliation it must be forced to suffer. An example must be made so none of its kind get any ideas. I don't want them to invade Earth and destroy humanity.
Only this is my first time dealing with something like this and I don't know how to make it suffer.
How do you maximize the pain of an evil alien entity from another dimension? How do we make it suffer as much as possible? Yes, this is a serious question.
Can these things even feel pain?
Did, did Lovecraft ever leave any of his instructions in his books? Anyone have a copy of the Necronomicon, perchance?
Proof that aliens exist, EAT YOUR HEART OUT GRUSCH: https://ibb.co/9VpsTMt
No throwaways, we die like aliens dumb enough to crash land in the American heartland
Okay, serious time: I actually did look it up after I finished freaking out and it turns out the thing is a palmetto bug AKA an American cockroach. I have it trapped in a Mason jar and I spent the goddamn afternoon clearing everything out of my room to make sure there are no other creepy-crawlies. There weren't any; the damn thing probably just got in from outside on account of summer ending.
I am serious about killing it, though. From what I read, those things spread everything from E. coli to salmonella to fucking Flood infection spores and that means it's not safe or just to just let it out. It seriously could get into a neighbor's house and spread pestilence and disease and shit.
I'll douse it with some boric acid or DE or something. Something good and effective.
I never knew cockroaches could get that damn... big D:
Oh yeah they're terrifying. You wouldn't think it could fly but they really do. I wouldn't be too worried about the disease thing FYI. They certainly could track some stuff in, but just one isn't going to kill you.