this post was submitted on 09 Feb 2024
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I need to pass a drug test on which my entire future depends. I need help and am freaking the fuck out. (hexbear.net)
submitted 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) by GingusBingus@hexbear.net to c/askchapo@hexbear.net
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So I landed a really nice job with a really cool company and they plan on hiring me this March, but before they can do that I need to pass a drug test. My manager personally doesn't care whether or not I smoke weed but I live in a state where weed is illegal, and the company does care and would bar me from hiring if I were to fail a drug test.

I was stupid and smoked a fuck ton of weed last Sunday (before I knew that A; I need to take a drug test in the first place, and B; that weed can remain present in urine for up to (and possibly over) 30 days in frequent smokers (which I am)). This would originally have been fine if it weren't for the fact that after agreeing to the background check, I would be scheduled for a drug test by the 13th (within 4 days). So my original plan to just drink a shit ton of water to flush myself out within a month wouldn't work.

I also had a plan to sneak in a jar of my sober friend's pee but then I learned that you're actually required to pee in front of the observer so that plan wouldn't work either.

So basically I'm fucked and I don't know what to do :( My future pretty much depends on this job and I don't know what I would do if I were to fuck this opportunity up. What do I do?

Also, idk how relevant this is but I'm 5'9" (~175 cm), 160 lbs (~72.6 kg), AMAB, and very infrequently exercise. I also have POTS so I sweat frequently and have poor water retention.

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[–] RyanGosling@hexbear.net 2 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (1 children)

If this isn't a critical job where inspectors will stare at you as piss flows out your body, just ask someone to piss and put it in a big or small container and pour it into whatever container you're giving to the testers. I really don't think you need to do all that extra stuff with putting it in some contraption in your pants. You'll need it to be warm, but just put it in a IV bag or something so it'll fit in your back pocket or in your underwear lol.

Some people are suggesting ordering fake piss, but it might not come on time. In my experience, it'll take a whole day to process the order, one day to put it on a truck or plane, THEN x days to get it delivered to you. So two day shipping may really be 4 day shipping. Plus I don't know what they're testing, but if fake piss is just colored tap water with piss scent, then it'll probably not show up as piss in results.