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this post was submitted on 23 Feb 2024
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The uncharitable perspective: This kind of attitude makes long term relationships harder. If you have severe uncertainty about your future with someone, why should you buy a house with them? Or make mutual sacrifices for the sake of mutually desired goals? Why should you not seek someone who seems to be more determined to spend a long time of their life with you?
The charitable perspective: These people have been hurt by the unrealistic expectations of how romantic love is portrayed in media, and are now overcompensating. This may lead them to not to live their best lives, but it protects them from falling into an inescapable pit.
Both extremes have their dangers.
Many people expect the perfect relationship/marriage to happen to them, like it’s destiny.
But the truth is that a good marriage is something you create! Much like freedom requires constant vigilance, marriage requires constant positive input. But then the second fun truth is that once you start doing this, it becomes a fulfilling part of your life and not some chore you have to remember to do.
Going through some mental health struggles, and figuring out what it really takes for my particular brain to have a positive fulfilling life, it definitely changed how I view and approach my marriage.
I think generally everything pays off more when you put more time or effort in it.
Yep, and equally important is putting the effort into the right things.
What are the right things? That’s the hard one. The metaphor I used is that we all have our own custom written manual for our specific bodies and brains, but we don’t get a copy of it. In my case it really felt like I was trying to reverse engineer my brain to figure out the things I really care about vs stressing over the things I’m supposed to care about.