this post was submitted on 05 Mar 2024
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Its been over 10 years for me since something extremely similar happened. I've never really gotten over it. I want to be in a relationship and connect with someone again but I find it impossible to keep anyones interest of people on online sites and while I have been on a few dates over the years they haven't gone past more than a few dates before fizzing out due to anxiety and trust issues on my part.
I feel throughly scarred by my ex's actions, they have faded over the years but my trust has never really returned.
I've tried therapy and it helped briefly but has never had a lasting effect and I've ended up in a cycle every few years of retrying to meet people then backing out before anything lasting can continue as in my head it will just end up in me being hurt again.
I'm desperately lonely and have fallen into a prolonged sadness that almost never leaves, not really sure where i was going with this, I hope the same doesn't happen with you.
Honestly, it's not gonna be 10 more years of misery for me cause I'm not gonna stick around for it. I've been deeply depressed for about 20 years and I'm probably gonna call it long before that if you know what I mean.
I also feel scarred by my ex's actions. How can someone watch you build your life around them, make every decision with them in mind for nearly a decade, and then impulsively discard you the second they want attention from someone new? Just to add insult to injury, she manipulated me to keep me providing for her for months under the guise that she was trying to repair the relationship when she was really just trying to work out a seamless escape route. The constant stress fucked my mind to the point that I lost my job 2 weeks after she left. Still unemployed and too depressed to even begin looking for another one.
Just makes me realize that there's nothing anyone can do to secure their future. There's a lot we do to give us a feeling that our future is safe, but it never is. That's not even really my main problem... I genuinely don't think it's possible for me to be happy. I don't think my soulmate is out there.
Learning to accept this seems like a normal part of growing older, but man is it rough - especially when the wounds are fresh. Therapy helps. Experience also helps: you survived it once so you can do it again. We can't make ourselves 100% safe and it's genuinely terrifying when you really feel it.
But believe in yourself. When you're ready, you will find ways to feel content and fulfilled. Maybe you work through your trust issues and meet someone new, maybe you don't need to because you have other things in your life that make you happy.
I've done both at different times after having the rug pulled out from under me at least twice now. The third time was almost a blessing because I've been down this road so much. It was like a chance to start a new chapter and find more parts of life I haven't yet lived: new hobbies, new friends, and so many things to learn.
So this isn't some generic platitude. It comes from sitting in the same place you are now. The only real security is your own ability to get back up and start again. You don't have to want to. Just know that you can and will when you're ready.
I am in a much more lucky place than you seem to be, still I feel what you are saying. I try to imagine the incredible hardship and suffering previous generations had to face. We're still the lucky ones. That helps me sometimes to appreciate basic stuff. Plus eat 3,5g of magic mushrooms, maybe. Let them blow your brains out.
(Disclaimer: I'm not a native speaker, if any of this sounds offensive I apologise. I'm writing this only with good intentions.)