[Outdated, please look at pinned post] Casual Conversation

I am fairly active on Lemmy and I want to ask this rather personal question using this account. Friendly warning: I talk about trauma in this post, and I am both autistic and ADHD so forgive if you read something that seems asinine to you.

Question: Would you consider yourself successful? If so, how much have you let your past trauma/bad luck (if any) affect you? I’ve gotten into a rut lately where I cannot get it out of my head that I am unlucky, and so I am trying to get perspective.

While some people would call me successful because I am highly educated (PhD in Engineering), have my own house (valued at $1M+), am fairly good looking (pull both ladies and men), have a decent enough resume with fancy names on it etc. I still feel like a loser because I am not married and don’t have kids, and I don’t think I am exceptional or outstanding in my field (this is not imposter syndrome, I am just not as good as people who are great).

Lately I’ve been examining why I feel like shit about my life, and I think it’s because whenever I had time to learn and grow, something outside of my control happened which derailed me. Am I making excuses and not taking responsibility?

I know I have C-PTSD as I was diagnosed for it, so obviously I let my past affect me. I also have memory issues because of trauma which have gotten worse over the years. I still have issues about being bullied and mocked in middle school, and I am not sure that’s normal. I also got bullied in primary school and high school as well, but remember less of this. I remember I had a math teacher who beat me in primary school (because I grew up where that was allowed).

When my parents moved to the U.S., my family faced a period of extreme poverty for at least 10 years during which I went through HS and college. My brother started emotionally and physically abusing at this point till he moved out. My brother and I had a weird relationship even prior to the physical (not sexual) abuse in that one time he kissed me, and it was such a gross moment because I really trusted him.

College was also isolating because I burned out from the poverty issues and emotional/physical abuse from my brother, and I got severely isolated and depressed and burnt out. I went to a top 30 liberal arts school so it wasn’t exactly an easy place, but it’s not like it was Harvard tough.

After college I ended up working somewhere I kind of liked at first but by this time I had developed an emotional void which needed attention and love, and I instead focused that on trying to excel at work but in a way which alienated others and isolated me socially. I ended up leaving that job for a higher paying one, and I’ve learned over time how to recognize these trauma-induced symptoms in me and to even out my personality for better social interactions.

I started going to school part-time while working, and it was during this time that I started getting stalked and received unwanted sexual attention. I went to the police and over time this matter resolved itself. I finished school etc.

Which brings me to now where I feel like a complete loser who isn’t deserving of respect or love, or a dignified life.

I am wondering if I feel this way because I can’t handle stress like other people can, and there are people who have had worse things happened and are more successful? The latter is definitely true, so I think I want to hear from you about your traumas and how your life is successful despite them.

I also want to know if I am just making excuses for being mediocre, please feel free to let me know if I am being dramatic.