https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jopy.12929
From the linked article:
Are all single people insecure? When we think about people who have been single for a long time, we may assume it’s because single people have insecurities that make it difficult for them to find a partner or maintain a relationship.
But is this true? Or can long-term single people also be secure and thriving?
Our latest research published in the Journal of Personality suggests they can. However, perhaps unsurprisingly, not everybody tends to thrive in singlehood. Our study shows a crucial factor may be a person’s attachment style.
Singlehood is on the rise
Singlehood is on the rise around the world. In Canada, single status among young adults aged 25 to 29 has increased from 32% in 1981 to 61% in 2021. The number of people living solo has increased from 1.7 million people in 1981 to 4.4 million in 2021.
At the same time, evidence suggests many single people are choosing to remain single and living happy lives.
Looking at our results more closely, we found four distinct subgroups of singles:
secure singles are relatively comfortable with intimacy and closeness in relationships (22%)
anxious singles question whether they are loved by others and worry about being rejected (37%)
avoidant singles are uncomfortable getting close to others and prioritise their independence (23% of younger singles and 11% of older long-term singles)
fearful singles have heightened anxiety about abandonment, but are simultaneously uncomfortable with intimacy and closeness (16% of younger singles and 28% of older long-term singles).
These findings should be considered alongside several relevant points. First, although most singles in our samples were insecure (78%), a sizeable number were secure and thriving (22%).
Further, simply being in a romantic relationship is not a panacea. Being in an unhappy relationship is linked to poorer life outcomes than being single.
That's an attempt to positively spin our growing incapability of creating and maintaining an intimate long-term relationship.
Wanting to be single sounds better than socially incompetent.
I’ve been single for 6 years and intend staying this way. I’ve had shit relationships and I don’t know anybody in a truly happy relationship.
I get to do what I want, when I want and don’t have to think about anybody else.
It isn’t because I’m socially incompetent, even though I’m a natural introvert I’ve had decades of socialising and am pretty damn good at talking to people and being a fake extrovert. I worked Apple retail where you have to be pretty outgoing to survive there and then moved to the Genius Bar where you need to be able to speak with angry customers.
Being single is just more fun for me and I’m not interested in having to care about someone else, for what I see as little benefit. Plus it’s hella expensive.
This is the general direction of my point.
You have more fun on your own. You've only had shit relationships. You've mastered faking social interactions. Congratulations! You're socially inept.
Or in other words, you want it, but couldn't have it, so you gave up on it and make due with superficial feel-good.
Whatever the reasons we might lie to ourselves with, the inability to form meaningful connections remains. Just don't mistake giving up on it for the option not existing at all.
A mountain of conjecture here my friend.
Faking extroversion in work isn’t indicative of my whole life.
I’ve had decades being social with my large group of friends, and I quite enjoy socialising, it’s just as a natural introvert I might need more alone time as it can be tiring.
I never said all my relationships have been shit. Sometimes I’ve been the shit partner. And I haven’t given up, I’ve realised that what makes me happy is my current lifestyle and I don’t have to conform to what society believes is normal.
Perhaps you should take an introspective look at why you would write the previous comment and wonder if there is something in your own life that you’re projecting.
I would never come at someone for their choice of being in a relationship, an open relationship, or whatever unconventional thing they’re into as I respect people’s choices and I assume people are being honest with others as I was in my first comment.
Also, I never said I can’t form meaningful connections, I’ve a group of about 20 friends that I’ve had many since 25 years ago. I make new friends and we have a ball. Male and female alike.
Do you think that everybody single is just waiting for the right person? Do you not believe you can be happy single?
I absolutely believe we can be happy whether on our own in some form of relationship.
But my approached topic is about our ability to hold unto long-term relationships. If we could, i believe we would choose intimacy with another person over the peacefulness of solitude.
You say it's tiring to be around other people and that's fine, but objectively it's still a personal failing. If you feel attacked, it's because you also recognize it as such.
You're happy where you are and it's great, but isn't it you're making your happiness because you wouldn't find it otherwise?
No.
I could leave my house right now, go and meet a girl, develop a long term relationship and I wouldn’t be happy. As it is not for everybody.
I get engrossed in my hobbies, and it’s not fair to put other people through that if I’m going to ignore them for a week because I decided I wanted to build a drone and obsess over it.
I don’t understand why you would think like you do. As if everybody on earth wants to be intimate with someone else and anybody that doesn’t is broken in some way.
Don’t confuse me being passionate about this topic as anger. I’m passionate because you’re fundamentally wrong and I don’t want other people seeing this, those who haven’t matured yet, and thinking they have to conform to what people like you believe as it’s simply not true.
I’ve said numerous times I don’t live in solitude. I finished work yesterday at 17:00 and was at my friends house with 6 others until 02:00. I woke up today, took a car for a test drive then went to town to join a protest and was chatting with many people. I’ve just been to my parents for dinner and I’m about to go to another friends with another 4 people. Just because I don’t want to live with someone or have an intimate relationship doesn’t mean I’m a recluse.
Perhaps your situation is different and you’re too socially inept to find someone, but don’t project that on to the rest of us. If you ever come to Manchester I’d love to socialise with you and show you around.
Okay. Thank you for clearing it up.