Hey all!
So I'm a cis guy who's only queer in the sense that I'm demisexual heteroromantic. Recently to my surprise, I've gotten into a relationship, and more surprising is the fact that the woman I'm dating is trans. Without coming off the wrong way, I never thought I'd find myself in a relationship with someone who's trans, and thankfully so far it seems as if there isn't a whole lot about dating her that's too different from my previous relationships, putting aside of course that she's easily been the best partner I've had to date.
The thing is, she's still working on her transition. While I think she does an incredible job presenting herself for who she truly is to the world, she's not quite fully at the point where she wants to be just yet with. Namely, she wants to do some work with her voice, and get top surgery.
Now what I want to do of course is be the most supportive partner I can be and help her with getting to where she wants to be. She mentioned that she has a lot of trouble with voice training, and in looking things up online, I came across voice feminization surgery. I brought it up to her, and she seems to have really appreciated me telling her about it.
In terms of top surgery, I've been looking into it, and was looking into the different types of implants available. I read that silicone implants apparently feel the most natural and comparable to regular developed breasts, and while I want to give her all the options available, I also think that silicone would likely be the best option of the different types for that reason, especially since she's questioned her validity as a woman before and I want her to feel like and be her true self.
However, I've been reflecting a bit. While I'm happy to explore these things and learn more about them to try and help her find what's best for her, I also don't want her to get the wrong idea of things. While it hasn't been the case to date that she's taken things this way, even specifically telling me she appreciates what I'm doing, I also worry about either getting potentially too involved in her personal life, giving the wrong idea that I'm making suggestions based on my own interests rather than hers, or that I might lead her make a decision where the end result doesn't match the person she is and wants to fully be.
What can I do as a partner for her who's cis to best assist her with her journey in transitioning? Where should my place be in supporting her through her journey? How can I prevent myself from making a good-intentioned suggestion that might not end up being the most affirming thing for her? How can I ensure that I'm giving her all the information she needs accurately, without unknowingly pushing options that might not work best for her?
Thanks in advance, I'll be sure to start responding once I wake up and will take any criticism and critique as needed.
Ayo. Fellow pan/demi cis guy dating an MTF person for about a year now, I’ll share the lessons I’ve learned so far while trying to figure out the exact same balance with my partner.
The biggest piece of advice I can give is - If it’s transition related she probably knows more than you. Even if she doesn’t, my recommendation is to be weary of accidentally man-splaining shit to her. I annoyed my partner more than once because I found a thing I didn’t know was an option and was excitedly “explaining” (not on purpose, but still) a thing she has known about and formed opinions about for years already.
I can’t know this for sure but I’d wager your partner has heard of both the surgeries you’ve mentioned and knows the pros/cons. Might be wrong, but worth pondering for a moment imho.
I learned to start such conversations with “hey, do you know about xyz thing - i read about it and it seems interesting.” and then the most important part - shut the fuck up and listen. She probably has opinions and you should value them more than yours.
I find my best helpful stride by observing what she’s working on, then picking up on the things that make her uncomfortable or seem to block her path and offering to help with those. I try very hard to never suggest any path, and when I do express an opinion or suggestion I try to explicitly tie it back to a desire she’s expressed to me previously. “You said you wanted X, i was thinking it might be helpful if I did Y part for you?”
Example - she’s high anxiety about going into a makeup store but wants to learn and play with some makeup. So marched my big dumb ape self into several Sephoras and stuck my big dumb face in front of several beauticians and told them that my gf is trans and asked for advice and showed them photos and carefully watched how they reacted until one went awwwww and started being super helpful. I got her card to offer to pay for a makeup lesson.
You know what? She’s still too nervous to go, but now we know the name of a person we know is going to be happy to help her. She feels supported because the thing I did was the result of listening and noticing what was blocking her, which imho is more important than the outcome.
I guess my goal has evolved from trying to find tangible things to help with to trying to do things that make her feel empowered. Transitioning is not an easy thing, there’s a chilling effect on progress because the world seems aligned against our community. If you can make her feel like she has an ally in that fight she’ll accelerate naturally.
It’s normal to be excited and want to help, my advice would be to grab that feeling and wrangle it.
Does she already have a blahaj? If not, highly recommended as a gift idea. ;)