I'm sorry if this is the wrong community for this, my problem is prob more from BPD or some other mental illness I have than directly autism, though depression and anxiety are common in autistic people. I posted in a BPD community but it's pretty dead, I hope this isn't too off topic for here, I just really need some advice on this and Idk who to ask besides my therapist.
My intrusive thoughts and mental state in general are a lot better now that I've had therapy and antidepressants for a few years, but one issue I still really struggle with is revisiting times when someone hurt me, intentionally or not, even if it's a resolved situation I'm not still mad about, and getting mad about it again.
Below are two examples, you don't need to read them but it might help explain my problem.
I did this a few months ago and drove away my fiance over a small mess she made in my place. She made it as a trauma response, we had a wonderful conversation about it after and I wasn't upset at her at all. But I managed to make it a huge deal in my head later, and since she'd said before she wants me to clean my space better or let her help clean, I thought she was a hypocritical asshole. I verbally abused her over text and made an ultimatum, saying she had to apologize for it or I wouldn't talk to her anymore. She left, blocked me on everything, and the engagement is off. We exchanged letters recently, and at least maybe we can still be friends again some day.
A more recent example is with my dad. I was trying to quit cigarettes and take a break from weed, so I asked him to hold onto my ID so I wouldn't be tempted to get any since I'm kinda addicted and can't control myself when I can get a fix. We went out and about for a doctor's appointment next to a dispensary, and I was gonna be super proud of myself for not having gotten anything there. But my dad thought I might wanna get some weed, so he brought my ID. While he was getting weed, I spent 15 minutes wailing and trying to resist getting stuff, but I caved and got weed and cigs. I still feel really ashamed about my lack of self control, and I think that event really fucked with my mindset about quitting and made it a lot harder to try again. I don't want to be mad at him, and I've already talked to him about it, but I'm trying to quit again, and I already struggle a lot more with intrusive thoughts like that while sober, but I'm having a really hard time not protecting my shame onto him. I don't want to talk to him about it again, i think he already feels really guilty for sabotaging my quit and I don't want to drag that back up.
Talking to the people I'm mad at about it can make me less upset, but I can't just bring up old shit like that every time my brain makes me upset about it. With my fiance I should've just talked to her about how I felt and we could've worked through it together, but that isn't the solution to most things like this, esp when they're already resolved issues.
Tl;Dr I sometimes dredge up old memories of others hurting me and make myself upset about them again, and I really need a healthy way to deal with them other than just bottling it up or talking to them about it every time
K, this is what worked for me, so take or leave it as you see fit.
My brain did similar things, and just like water will take the path of least resistance, so did my brain ... over and over and over again. So I decided that I'd had enough of the bs circle of death and would train my brain to go a different path.
Every time I recognized the nagging thought was there yet again, I forced my brain away from it, ie: thought of something good I'd done, or that someone had done for me, or what groceries I need to buy, etc etc. Anything to break my brain's habit.
Now it isn't easy, and especially when I was tired or cranky it wouldn't work well. But I kept at it anyway, and forgave myself when it didn't work.
Took a couple of years (I was in my late 40s) but it took. Now I'm able to divert my brain at least 99% of the time, but I only need to do that once in a while because that old path is not as easy for my brain to find anymore.
Anyway, I hope you can find something that works for you, and you can get the nasty thoughts stopped (or eased at least). Good luck!