this post was submitted on 17 May 2025
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The Onion

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The Onion

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WASHINGTON—In a move that significantly restricts the eligibility of thousands of American troops to fight for their country on the front lines, senior U.S. military officials announced Wednesday that all men with girl names would now be forbidden from serving in combat roles.

The ban, which goes into effect immediately, prohibits male personnel with clearly feminine names like Jamie, Sandy, and Alexis from serving in all artillery, infantry, and armored units. According to a Defense Department memo, the military is less effective as a fighting force when it deploys men named Francis, Sloan, Carol, or Loren in active conflict zones.

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[–] Derpenheim@lemmy.zip 101 points 2 months ago (4 children)

You got me. It's just so plausible at this point, I ate it.

[–] FunkyStuff@hexbear.net 9 points 2 months ago (2 children)
[–] HowAbt2morrow@futurology.today 13 points 2 months ago (1 children)

As if joining a men’s only organization - sleep with, shower with, eat every meal with, roll around in the mud with - isn’t the gayest shit ever. Shut it all down and settle your disputes the good old fashion pissing contest way; whoever holds 2L of beer the longest.

[–] ShaggySnacks@lemmy.myserv.one 1 points 2 months ago (1 children)

It’s not gay, if you say no homo.

[–] HowAbt2morrow@futurology.today 1 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Replace Semper Fi with No Homo and you’ve got a deal.

[–] Derpenheim@lemmy.zip 2 points 2 months ago
[–] Cpo@lemm.ee 7 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I know, right? If it's insane, it might actually come from El Trump.

Remember ths time a persident could be impeached for having his c0ck sucked by an intern.

[–] Didros@beehaw.org 2 points 2 months ago

I mean, Trump has been impeached and just like with Clinton, it doesn't matter.

[–] Almacca@aussie.zone 3 points 2 months ago

At this point, it wouldn't surprise me if they're getting their policy ideas from The Onion.

[–] KryptonNerd@slrpnk.net 2 points 2 months ago (1 children)

It wasn't until I saw your comment that I realised I ate the onion

[–] Derpenheim@lemmy.zip 2 points 2 months ago

It's a good one, I really thought it happened.

[–] miss_demeanour@lemmy.dbzer0.com 54 points 2 months ago (2 children)

Sponsored by Lindsey Graham.

[–] someguy3@lemmy.world 9 points 2 months ago

What you expect him to go by a different name? The teacher will have to report this to the parents.

[–] MonkderVierte@lemmy.ml 30 points 2 months ago (3 children)
[–] SCmSTR@lemmy.blahaj.zone 10 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

Same. It's just too real.

[–] Anomalocaris@lemm.ee 10 points 2 months ago

hate how possible onion articles are nowadays.

[–] Phoenicianpirate@lemm.ee 1 points 2 months ago
[–] Dadifer@lemmy.world 27 points 2 months ago

I ate it. It tasted like... fascism.

[–] ininewcrow@lemmy.ca 21 points 2 months ago

Well, my daddy left home when I was three
Didn't leave very much to my mom and me
Except this old guitar and an empty bottle of booze
Now I don't blame him 'cause he run and hid
But the meanest thing that my daddy ever did
Was before he left, he went and named me Sue

[–] ToastedRavioli@midwest.social 19 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (1 children)

Whats hilarious about this is that senior commanders would be more likely to have “girls” names considering names tend to flip back and forth gender-wise. Any young Lindsay you meet today will likely be a girl, meanwhile you have old dudes like Lindsay Graham in the senate

Leslie is another one

[–] dontpanic@lemmy.blahaj.zone 11 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Mitch McConnell’s actual first name is Addison.

[–] WizardofFrobozz@lemmy.ca 6 points 2 months ago

J.D. Vance’s first name is Jethica

[–] Zenith@lemm.ee 19 points 2 months ago (1 children)

So… if I want my son to be spared from the draft all I have to do is give him a traditionally masculine name like Kelly, Courtney or Ashley?

[–] RedSnt@feddit.dk 7 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

if I want my son to be spared from the draft

Or Donald Trump.

[–] Vytle@lemmy.world 15 points 2 months ago

Seeing a batshit insane headline actually coming from TheOnion is really refreshing

[–] Pnut@lemm.ee 9 points 2 months ago

"what kind of name is Lindsey for a man? Ash! Get this pansy out of here."

[–] dream_weasel@sh.itjust.works 7 points 2 months ago

Sorry Stacy, pack your shit!

[–] FunkyStuff@hexbear.net 7 points 2 months ago
[–] HappySkullsplitter@lemmy.world 5 points 2 months ago

We're looking at you Terry

[–] MisterOwl@lemmy.world 5 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

There's gotta be a Jody joke in there somewhere

[–] supersquirrel@sopuli.xyz 5 points 2 months ago

Fascists suck at war

[–] Ledericas@lemm.ee 5 points 2 months ago (1 children)
[–] Phoenicianpirate@lemm.ee 3 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

Or Francis. Or Max (because it could be Maximilian or Maxine) or Sam (because it could be Samuel or Samantha), and if they have a French name, Mich (for either Michel or Michelle) or any number of other names.

EDIT: oh fuck it's an onion article! Thank goodness!

[–] ipkpjersi@lemmy.ml 5 points 2 months ago

I had to double check if this was The Onion or Not The Onion lol

[–] Hobbes_Dent@lemmy.world 3 points 2 months ago

Are you the guys on the beach who hate everything?

[–] Bloomcole@lemmy.world 3 points 2 months ago

male personnel with feminine names can also cowardly bomb brown children from a safe distance.

[–] ABetterTomorrow@lemm.ee 2 points 2 months ago

Going to be so defenseless real soon.

[–] m3t00@midwest.social 2 points 2 months ago

always been last name or shithead. 🤷‍♂️

[–] small44@sopuli.xyz 1 points 2 months ago

They can come to canada to serve

[–] oppy1984@lemm.ee 1 points 2 months ago

Jody your out. Now here's your separation documents and a list of the home addresses of all your battle buddies so you can keep in touch. Dismissed!

[–] KulunkelBoom@lemm.ee 1 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Are hegseth and trump vying to see who can be the stupidest fucker alive?

[–] markstos@lemmy.world 2 points 2 months ago (1 children)

It’s satire from The Onion.

[–] KulunkelBoom@lemm.ee 1 points 1 month ago

And that changes my comment... how?