Autism

I have to deal with queerphobic and ableist people regularly :(

This planet has too many humans.

Note that I said this planet has and not there are. Because I am a misanthrope, not a monster.

I just see so much stupidity out there, so much anti-human/selfish alt-right politics and so much hate-based religion that is only designed to hurt/control/kill others and so many people stuck in intellectual latrines without even the desire to get out of them and holding up cultivated ignorance like it’s a point of pride.

If I had the money to move to a mountain property in some temperate rainforest where I had a house and a large garden that could produce most of my yearly food and a few tens of thousands of books, I would gladly go months at a time without seeing anyone. Better yet if it’s in a secluded valley that doesn’t even look like it exists except on maps or from the air, and an access road that looks utterly uninteresting such that no-one even thinks of going down it.

Well, since you asked, I will mention some things.

Firstly, I am tired of being infantilized. So many people have done this to me in my own life. People who call themselves friends and family who want me to succeed and do well. It's makes me extremely enraged. I am very sick of people belittling me in this fashion. I absolutely hate it. Can't people just give me some respect and autonomy as my own self? I don't understand the obsession with wanting to control other people. In fact I am very tired of it. I feel people do not respect me.

Secondly, I feel very lonely, and have very few genuine friends. I have some online friends who are good. But very few irl. In fact, I am wanting more autistic friends. I am planning on going to social groups for autistic people. I am hoping this works out for me. I won't lie, I am nervous about it.

Thirdly, why is finding a job that is suitable to my sensory needs so difficult for me? I am tired of it. I listened to people for too long on what I should do with my life. I bitterly regret doing this. I made a lot of decisions based on what people thought I should do. This was all infantilization, and it was more what these people wanted me to do. I'm really fed up, people suck.

Right this moment?

My main regular doctor, who I slowly built a rapport and trust with over years and years, was intentionally infected with Delta by a patient who didn't believe in masks or vaccines. She survived but became disabled and left. I didn't get to say goodbye and she didn't get a chance to help hand off my care.

My new doctor that was assigned me to hates me.

She's straight up is completely uninterested in my care and is being an ableist gatekeeper of my meds. I've been on the same meds successfully for years and years and she is making me jump through hoops, not filling part of it, and she WITHOUT TALKING TO ME ordered a urine drug test.

I'm a rule follower and people pleaser and this was so fucking insulting. I haven't done it and she still hasn't said said anything. I'm going to ignore it until she talks to me but I'm also not confrontational.

I have so many health problems I can't even talk about with my doctor because she doesn't want to hear them. All she cares about is my meds and whether or not I'm a liability to her.

It's my worst nightmare because I had addict parents and have never done drugs and really don't drink. I'm very sensitive about being treated like I'm like them. She treats me poorly because she doesn't know me and doesn't trust me. I also suspect she's burned out.

The worst part is she's my roommate's doctor too and she's all smiles and nice, caring, and empathetic with my roommate (so they say).

I don't know what I did to make her hate me because she was hostile from the jump when I tried to introduce myself and my conditions.

I just had an appointment and I'm really upset and feel hopeless. I can't switch doctors or they will label me as doctor shopping and drug seeking.

Don't need advice, I'm not going to stand up for myself. I'm just answering the prompt.

Virtual Hugs to all.

My story is too long to share, abusive aunt/uncle and soon to be homeless, lost my mom recently. It’s been tough.

Mainly just the pain of PMDD/endometriosis, being a shut-in because of that and ND, frustration at not being taken seriously enough by doctors, that I am not the best at expressing myself verbally, and that maybe if I could communicate in my preferred medium that they might understand better.

I can't Christmas this year. The rising Christian nationalist takeover of the US and the war in Gaza are obvious triggers, but I have a long inventory of concerns in which hope is demonsrably fiction.

Also I just read This Is How You Lose the Time War which has had a profound, complex impact on me. I don't understand all the emotions I'm feeling about it. I want to start a religion inspired by Time War but I don't imagine it would be necessarily any good or successful.

It may have to do with Red and Blue coming from far-future transhuman societies while IRL the human species is at considerable risk of going extinct in the next few centuries. It realt amplifies the dispair of existential crises like mine.

The list is extensive, but I've forced myself into this place of complete numbness so I can operate to a tiny degree each day. Like I'm 'living the dream' since I'm a shut-in NEET who plays games and watches TV. But it's a hollow lonely existence. I live with my mom and she's understanding and I help her how I can. Some of that help is cooking, yard work, and listening to her complain. If I complain it's the end of the world so I just have to bottle up everything and put on my best 'okay face'. Can't complain to her and can't complain to people online.

For example I'm in a clan in Destiny 2 as it's one of my games. I love the game but it has massive issues. If I mention those issues everyone acts like I'm an asshole and I've been warned to 'tone down the negativity' or I'd be removed. It's not even negativity... I'm pointing out that X or Y doesn't work most of the time. And if I dare say I'm doing anything other than amazing it's like someone walking into a room and shitting on the floor. I don't have any friends really and every community I've been a part of has always booted me out because they don't like something about how I interact with them.

I'm really lonely. Physically I haven't been touched in almost a decade and I've given up on finding a significant other since I'm a shut-in NEET with crippling gender dysphoria and anxiety. Like no one is going to take on the burden that I am even if I am loving and whatever. So I just exist in this state of numbness so I don't scream or talk to myself in a gibbering mess of tears.

Oh yeah those commercials about getting healthcare, in the USA, for $10 or less with assistance? Absolute bullshit. My mom got pissy with me that I needed to look into it. So I spent an hour doing their paperwork to find out it'd still cost me $200 and up for insurance with assistance. $200 is more than I would make in 4 or 5 years if I was lucky lol

Uh sorry this is long and pointless.

I'm so bad a talking to others. I understand, speak and write three languages (I work as a translator), but I can't talk to people for shit. Auditory processing sucks, the moment people start talking to me my brain goes "NOW PAY ATTENTION OR YOU WILL MISS WHAT THEY SAY" while they are speaking. Then I go "WHAT?" like some deaf and dumb idiot. Never mind not remembering their names or faces after the conversation.

On the other hand I got into a situation recently where I had to live interpret (very different job from translation) for a friend in my two non-native languages in a highly stressful situation, different authorities involved, absolute nightmare. I made a bad job of it mostly (as expected) but still managed to help her solve her problems. And for a few moments I managed to get into a zone where my brain managed to focus on what was said and just straight out process it into the other language. It was magical.

So I have started taking online interpreter training. Getting into verbal language use in a professional way might do the trick. Sometimes brains can be hacked. Plus, if ShiteGPT takes all the written translation work away I might still have a job in the future.

That I am not fit for society.

I have nothing to offer and have not been able to achieve any of my dreams. Lowering the bar each time till it hit the ground. The whole "don't give up" is bullshit. At best, I'll be a cog in the machine that will always be exhausted, dependent on other people. At worst, I'd become ill and homeless because I struggle to take care of myself.

My parents should never had had kids. They just ended up neglecting my sister and I due to their own lack of ability. People care about having kids, over wanting what's best for them.

I have all sorts of problems in my personal life. Mental and physical health are terrible. The few friends I have moved to other timezones and have jobs that make it harder and harder for me to even talk with them online much anymore. I’m too depressed and anxious to go out and get a job or meet people. I’m too depressed and unfocused to try to work on the art that interests me.

But the worst of it all is a feeling that even if I fixed all my personal problems, what’s the point when the world is this shitty and keeps getting worse? The planet is rapidly becoming unlivable and we’re never going to do anything about it because the power structure depends on the things that are causing the problem. People have less and less control over our lives as corporations gain more and more power through consolidation and technology.

I’ve heard people say that the world just isn’t suited to accommodate some kinds of people, but I don’t see how it accommodates ANYONE who isn’t rich and powerful. I think most people just do better at suppressing that feeling than me. Is anyone really healthy and happy working some awful job for low pay so they can just barely afford to live in an apartment they don’t own and eat food that’s slowly killing them?

My lonlieness-anxiety(not sure if its the correct term) has come back with full force. Christmas has not helped at all .... yay overstimulation!! /s

Feel like I don't fit in anywhere no matter where the where is. I've been in a gajillion World of Warcraft guilds over my almost 19 years of playing. And in all that time I've never met anyone who was a lasting friend or play partner. When I was in school I tried to join the LGBTQIA+ plus club and was ostracized out of the first get together I went to because I said I didn't have a problem talking to respectful people about my trans status. I have no friends in person (especially since I don't leave the house but once a week to get groceries) and have maybe one friend online but we don't really have anything to connect over or do together.

Every time I find a place to call 'home' it feels like I'm not wanted in that space after a period of time that is short as a few hours to a year later. When I try to talk about the thing a group is about I'm not positive enough for them or I'm too intense.

Each day I wake up and curse to myself that I did. Like I want to break down crying but I can't. I'm so worn out and it doesn't matter. I can't talk to my mom about it. I can't talk to my friend about it. I'm too poor to get help and I don't have a 20 year medical record following me to get help. If I died in my sleep it'd at least be an end to my constant silent suffering, the tinnitus, the lack of energy, the dysphoria and physical pain. No more loneliness or cursing the monster in the mirror whos skin I am forced to wear.

Some lady on TikTok said that autistic people were “cute”. I’m sorry, are we a fucking joke to you neurotypicals? Just because some of us like trains or need headphones, doesn’t make us “cute”. My disability is not something to be seen as that. Trust me, people like you only see the tip of the iceberg. You don’t know what REALLY goes on inside our heads.

People around me are getting pregnant and I think babies are horrible and gross. These are family and friends however and they have baby showers and start taking their babies with them.

I dont know what to do or how to behave when there's a baby. Especially since people are generally overjoyed and think the babies are cute and I'm just standing there being disgusted by not just the baby, but the whole pregnancy.

I don't know how to behave. That's whats bothering me right now.

I have been flirting with job burnout for months now. Luckily my husband is having surgery next month so I am taking time off to help him. Hopefully that break will help with the feeling I'm just running on a treadmill desperately trying to stay on top of everything.