Normalize Jesus with a handlebar mustache
this post was submitted on 06 Mar 2024
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"Heaven yeah, brother!"
Origin of the term Pussy
Everyone knows white Adam and Eve spoke English with white God. And that paradise was a Jungle which is definitely a great place to exist naked with all those insects.
But the insects came after sin. Yes, all animals were there because evolution is wrong, but insects aren't animals because they come about via spontaneous generation /s
The logic of the 17th century. Although modern creationists have updated it to "all orders / families are a Kind (whatever the hell that is), but insects are their own Kind so there was just this one really nice bug and parasites magically started evolving after the fall."
If you sin or hide away from god he makes a parasite whose lifecycle involves crawling up your peehole and laying eggs in your anal wall.
But I can still keep the dinosaur, right?
I like it, the tiger likes it. What's the big deal?
Ugh fine. But I can still get deep throated by the giraffe right? That's like the whole reason you made them isn't it?
Tigers are sexy af and he's obviously into it, practically on top of me even with others around. You're just mad because you can't get face-fucked by this magnificent muscular beast. Go on and prance around with your little lady, Jesus, I've got testosterone and sement in my evening plans.
Never heard of something so manly as a man fucking a tiger... Other way around is fine toooo
This meeting of Get Rid Of Slimy girlS is now called to order, first Tiger Hobbes shall read the agenda!
Gotta stick to tiger thank you very much
Literally 1984
"On the Eigth day Adam and the tiger created furries"
This was clearly how Tony was made
It's sorta in there. The modern evangelical view of Genesis is that all the parts where god seems like a person is really Jesus. And the wording heavily implies that Adam was going around trying to to find animals to fuck.
It is all retrocons and select editing. The first few books make so much more sense when you just think that that there was a sorta Justice League of superheroes going around doing stuff. Over time the concept of the superhero El just kept growing and growing and Jesus kept growing and growing until they got merged into the Trinity with tri-omni powers.
Jesus didn’t exist yet though.
That's his dad. You can tell they're related.
Don't ask me to justify it but the modern view among evangelicals is that he is the one doing all the anthropomorphic stuff in Genesis. Also according to the Gospel of John he would have as a celestial being.
I almost feel bad for apologetics types sometimes. Having to square the circle.
The entire thing is pretty convoluted. I think even theologians don’t quite understand it, which is why they had to make up the doctrine of the Trinity to explain why this allegedly monotheistic religion had more than one diety entity.
Judaism had a solution to this. God just really likes making the Angels feel included in the process also likes to pretend to be weaker since it makes him more approachable. So every time God is talking to someone else up there it is just an Angel and every time he seems to be just Superman having an off day he is just pulling his punches.
Apparently God attended a seminar on middle management located in an Airport Hilton at some point and did some trust falls. Which makes you wonder what he wrote on his name badge. Someone get a Rabbi and ask.