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"Not much. You?" If you don't have much going on.
"Not much, just finishing up this essay before I head to soccer." If you are doing something that might interest the person asking, or to explain your presence somewhere you aren't usually.
The person is just checking in with you. It's basically "hello"
I look up, then answer the question. Usually by saying, "the ceiling".
If it's someone that gets "the ceiling" often, sometimes I'll switch it up by describing the type of ceiling. Or a light fixture. The sky. Squint and say, "I think it's a spider."
When I was little I used to get confused and look up at the ceiling.
Just reply back "hey". No one is looking for a real reply.
The parent of one of my friends growing up wanted a actual reply. He asked me "What's up?" every time we met. I would try to answer and he would try to get me to explain what I was up to. He had good intentions but it was a bit traumatic
The normal response is, "Not much"
I've had success with asking another leading question. "Have you ever though about [insert special interest]? The other day I started thinking about it and it is kinda cool"
This one is a bit nuanced. "What's up" can be used both as a greeting and a question depending on where in the conversation it appears. If it's a greeting a reply is not expected but rather a greeting. Here's an example.
Another
Annoyingly, it depends on the context which makes it weirdly complex for a simple interaction.
For the second situation, it isnt always that they want to be asked the question. Sometimes they noticed a change in your behavior recently and are checking in on you.
Example, you're eating lunch and you love chocolate pudding. You usually eat your chocolate pudding every day without fail. Today, you didn't eat your chocolate putting and just left it sitting there.
A: "Hey" B: "Hey" A: "So... what's up?"
Regardless, "what's up" is just a place holder for "how are you". Sometimes that is just small talk and a way of fulfilling simple social interaction, and sometimes it is a question with genuine interest in knowing what is going on in your life (or asking you first, so they feel comfortable sharing what is going on in their own life).
I always find it easiest to give a simple and short, but honest, response, and elaborate further if they show interest with follow up questions. Of course, giving them information you are comfortable giving that person.
A: "What's up?" B: "Not much, I'm a little tired today. You?"
or
A: "What's up?" B: "Kind of sad, but I don't want to talk about it."
It is a prompt meaning "if you have something you want to bring up, or that is important for me to know interacting with you, now is a good time. I have made a space in the conversation for exactly that and I am listening".
So basically "nothing special" or "not much" is the correct response unless you actually are waiting to bring something up.
Continue with "...and you?" or "how about you?" is polite and invites them to also share anything relevant without worrying about "intruding" on your thoughts.
Caveat: Of course some people will say it as an empty greeting and not listen to a response. They are doing it wrong. If you respond with something and they are confused by that, it's them being socially inept and not you.
I usually say "not much"
"what's up!"
It's like a ping pong.
"A vector directly opposing gravity but greater in magnitude," if you want to passive aggressively tell someone to fuck off.
Or, to quote Dr Manhattan, "Up is a relative concept with no intrinsic value."
"Same old, how are you?"
“My anxiety level.”
Or
“nothing, and you?”
"Hey" is shockingly acceptable.
"Not much, you?" is considered polite.
"My cholesterol" or "my blood pressure" followed by "my doctor says it's really a problem!" is my favorite response. People either chuckle at the joke and move on or get uncomfortable and leave me alone.
I usually hit em with the old
WE MEET AGAIN
"No, Signal"
That's pretty good actually. I might use that at a cyber event.
My flatmate says this whenever he comes in. I think he's just saying hello, but I always end up explaining in detail whatever nerdy shit I'm doing at that moment.
"The direction opposing local gravity."
Or "That way." While indicating with your index finger.
Usually gets a chuckle.
I colloquially prefer “notta whole lotta.”
"Livin' the dream"
"But it's a nightmare"
CHICKEN BUTT!!!
^(sorry I had to)^
This is one of those frustrating social conventions that's partly a greeting and partly a way to find out if you're busy (particularly if they are asking if you're in the middle of doing something or are speaking to the other person on the phone/via message where they can't see what you're doing).
A good response, as mentioned in another reply here, is "Not much. You?" or "Not much - how about yourself?" if you haven't done anything out of the ordinary or aren't really busy.
If you have done something that you think the other person might find interesting, though, give them a brief answer, e.g. "Oh, just had lunch at a new restaurant. The food was great." Keeping it short then allows the other person to either ask a follow-up question if they are actually interested, or to move the conversation along to the actual topic they wanted to discuss with you.
If you are actually busy and in the middle of a task, then a short and polite response and suggestion to reschedule works, e.g. "Sorry, just in the middle of painting the spare room... can I get back to you tonight?"
"Chillin."
"Same old. The horror persists but so do I."
Nuffin' much.
Alternatively,
Chickenbutt
Livin' the dream
But what if I am not living the dream?
You say it sarcastically.
Oh
Only time I say that shit
Just chillin
There's a ton of nuance here depending on how it's said. "What's up" can be said so fast as a greeting that another "What's up?" is an appropriate response, or my favorite "sup?" Or, it can be asked kind of carefully that it expects an actual answer. Either way, no response is really wrong, but can increase awkwardness if not answering in the expected way.
My old boss told me that his son said the correct response is "how's it going, dude?"
It depends, but rarely the truth. It only took me 30+ years buy I finally learned that 99.99999% of people asking don't care. And they really don't want the truth if it's worse than 'so-so'.
What do you mean? They obviously want to hear a summary of what you've been up to since you last met.
That would take me a ramble or two
They're fucking with you.