Housing / home ownership counts as a temptation too.

Gonna take a shot at retelling your joke:

they have the right to bear arms

Same.

In my case, Gundam: Witch from Mercury was the one that single-handedly brought me back into anime after 4?+ years of not watching.

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs

Can't violate human rights if they are sub-human

bonus:

that OS turned me off unless it has substantially improved since then

That was my experience with Pop!_OS too. I tried switching to it after finding that Ubuntu has a lot of bloat.

In the end, I went back to Ubuntu, because it works right out of the box - even with my Nvidia graphics card! (only from 20.04 onwards; 18.04 and older versions were problematic)

When I reinstalled Ubuntu, I chose the custom / minimal installation option, and that cut out most of the bloat.

I tried Pop!_OS 3 times, and all 3 times, my computer crashed irrecoverably at some point.

I ended up replacing it.

Looks like he'd propagate chain mails

Looks like downvoters don't get the joke. I first seen it on the cover of Horrible History.

create a website that catalogues all the spiders in my area

You are a web developer looking for other web developers ;)