If you want context this is what I read before making this post, but is far from the only thing. Just what kicked it off tonight.
We are almost certainly going to hit 2c within a decade (if we want to be doomer, 5 years). I don't know how far 3c is off that. Probably sooner then expected. Billions of people are going to die. Everyone's way of life is going to be upended.
I personally don't want to live through this. I don't want to live through wars, and famines, and whatever else is going to happen.
I am still pretransition. Life kinda sucks. I'm trying to get my shit together a bit, and hope to start E soon, but obviously things are going to take time. Some things might never happen for me.
I have to wonder when, if ever, I'm going to feel happy and content. I definitely haven't felt that way since puberty. I'm hoping that in the next five ish years that it happens. I get far enough in my transition, in my life, whatever. And then we'll hit 2c. That is going to be the beginning of the end. Its going to be so bad. And it will continue to get worse for literally hundreds of years.
And where will I even be. I'll be transitioned, sure, but society is only going to decay further. Climate change getting worse. Fascism. Its all going to fall apart and I will die. Crushed.
suicide
I really believe, as I have for a long time now, that I am going to have to kill myself eventually. Its a very depressing feeling, knowing I am going to have to do it. To put an end to everything that I ever was, ever could be. No more thoughts, or experiences, no more things to learn. I'm going to have to kill myself. Right now it feels, maybe a decade or two off. Depends a lot on how things go. But I am not dying of old age. There just isn't time.
I know I should make the most of the time I have or whatever. I'm depressed and dysphoric. I try. But its still hard and sucks. And I worry things will literally just not get better. Or maybe they will be better for a short while. That's my "hope". That I transition, live in a fascist country for a little bit, before the tides of climate change get too close and I quit. That's my future.