this post was submitted on 09 Nov 2024

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Watching cool transfems and cis-fems online or in shows makes me sad now so I'll stop (lemmy.blahaj.zone)

submitted 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) by Smorty@lemmy.blahaj.zone to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone

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[Requesting Engagement from transfems]

(Blahaj lemmy told me to put this up top, so I did)

I did not expect this to happen. I followed FairyPrincessLucy for a long time, cuz she's real nice and seems cool.

Time passes and I noticed how I would feel very bad when watching her do stuff. I was like

damn, she so generally okay with her situation. Wish I was too lol

So I stopped watching her.

Just now I discovered another channel, Melody Nosurname , and I really, really like her videos! She seems very reasonable and her little character is super cute <3
But here too I noticed how watching the vids made me super uncomfortable.
The representation is nice, for sure, and her videos are of very high quality, I can only recommend them (as in - the videos).

I started by noticing

woah, her tshirt is super cute, I wanna have that too!

Then I continue with

heyo her friend here seems also super cool. Damn wish I had cool friends

And then eventually the classic

damn, I wish I were her

At that point, it's already over. I end up watching another video and, despite my genuine interest in the topic, I stop it in the middle, close the tab and open Lemmy (and here we are).

Finally I end up watching videos by cis men, like Scott the Woz. They are fine, and I end up not comparing myself to them (since I wouldn't necessarily want to be them). I also stopped watching feminine people in general online, as they tend to give me a very similar reaction. Just like

yeah, that's cool that you're mostly fine with yourself, I am genuinely happy for you that you got lucky during random character creation <3

I also watched The Owl House, which is a really good show (unfortunately owned by Disney) and I stopped watching when...

Spoiler for the Owl House

it started getting gay <3 cuz I started feeling way too jealous of them just being fine with themselves and pretty and gay <3 and such

I wanted to see where the show was going, and I'm sure it's real good, but that is not worth risking my wellbeing, I thought.

So anyway...

have you had a period like that before?
How did you deal with it?
Do you watch transfem people? Please share your favs! <3
I also like watching SimplySnaps. Her videos are also really high quality, I just end up not being able to watch them for too long before sad hits :(

additional info about me, if anyone cares

I currently don't take hrt, but I'm on my way. I'm attending psychological therapy with a really nice tharapist here in Germany.
I struggle to find good words to describe how I feel but slowly I find better words for it.
I'm currently 19 and present myself mostly masculine still, while trying to act very nice, generally acceptable and friendly. So kinda in a way which makes both super sweet queer people <3 <3 <3 <3 and hetero cis queerphobes accept me as just another character. (I work at a school with very mixed ideologies, so I kinda have to).
But oh boi do I have social anxiety, even at home with mother...

EDIT: Changed info about SimplySnaps
EDIT2: Added The Owl House example

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[–] OldEggNewTricks@lemmy.blahaj.zone 14 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Oh hello, are you me?

I've been watching Elena Darlingg recently, and got a bad case of "wow, she's amazing. I'm never going to be as much of a woman as her. I'm not really trans anyway..." etc etc.

Mostly I just recognize this as an unhelpful thought pattern and go do something else for a while (and cuddle Blåhaj). Objectively, I know that these are thoughts that cis women have; it's just imposter syndrome; I should be comparing progress against my past self and so on, but that really doesn't help much when I'm feeling jealous.

Sometimes I do get euphoria though, and while I can't call it up on demand, I do try to remember those times and that I'm doing this to feel good!

Starting HRT made a big difference: I'm in the pipeline now and just sitting around is still working towards my goal. I hope your therapist will get you sorted soon.

[–] Smorty@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 5 days ago (1 children)

Do you mean in the pipeline as in taking it now, or more like I am now on the waitlist?

[–] OldEggNewTricks@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 5 days ago (1 children)

Taking it now! Feminize while you sleep <3

(Sorry to confuse you: "in the pipeline" does usually mean "coming soon")

[–] Smorty@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 5 days ago

woah that sounds so soothing. Knowing that less of that awful manly gunk, but instead pretty pink water is flowing you while u sleep!! <3 (>v<) Damn that sounds really nice.