askchapo

I've been doing so much thinking about this ever since that book club started. I have this rule of thumb about not declaring something a gender issue if it's something that both shitty men and shitty women do. So, for example, the major through lines of my thoughts about how I feel disposable I believe are capable of being transposed onto a woman's POV. I think most people have had feelings like those around them don't believe they are worth being listened to. Therefore ones sense of self is developed in spite of those people is a tale as old as time. For example, there's the power fantasy (that sometimes comes to fruition in my line of work) that you could have listened to me earlier for a reasonable price and now you have to pay a fuck-you price now that you're imperiled. That doesn't have a gender attached to it as far as I'm concerned.

I actually have a few friends I have spoken to in depth about emotional topics, so I don't have the typical talking point. I think my emotional maturity was delayed by inherited beliefs about gender norms and currents of sexism, but I always got to talk through it. I have issues with authority because I didn't really get that relief from my parents or authority figures in my youth. It's weird though - whenever I see a woman being super standoffish or I get a match on a dating app from someone who touts themselves as super talkative who only gives one word answers I don't feel harmed. I feel pity. Like some kind of gender norm or conditioning has clouded you so profoundly that you can't even see me when I'm right in front of you. Like I'm not the victim, you are. You have to do some quick calculation about my visage and you get some number that I'm too big a risk to engage with so it's better to cringe out. It's so funny because if your friend introduced us and we were in the exact same position you'd open up and we'd have a perfectly good conversation. I could even point to a moment where a woman was roasting my tinder profile with her friends only for them to recognize me and invite me over to play Mario Party. It's all so deeply unserious for me - as Itachi said "appearances and preconceptions aren't going to tell you anything[1]."

I feel like the beneficiary of patriarchy because I'm able bodied, strong, and unburdened. The car mechanic is fair to me. I don't have an implicit fear of violence that gets reinforced as I walk around. I was joking around with a guy I only kind of know at a party recently. He wanted me to lose in Smash, I won, I flipped him off, and he grabbed my finger. He says something to the effect of "do you know what I could do to this finger?" I go "idk," keep giggling, and move on. The remark did not register with me, plain and simple, until I reflected on how it was a threat of violence (of dubious seriousness). I fight and study fighting enough to know that the answer is actually "not much, you'd much rather have the wrist."

If I've learned anything, it's that I'll be humble and thankful for being who I am. I'll use it to advocate for communism and advocate for reading One Piece. And, of course, make sure that the people who come into my life to share my values, time, and space are appreciated with all the strength I can muster