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Cooking Up Contingency Plans
(i.imgur.com)
Since my polymorph meme has only garnered three downvotes so far I thought I'd offer a bit more controversial take, and see if I can manage to stir the pot a bit with this one.
That still doesn't address vampiric touches life restoration RAI. Heck even RAW the spell says damage to others.
This is still a no go lol.