Transfem

I remember having feelings along these lines really early in transition, during the first few chaotic months after coming out of repression.

I suppose I may still be repressed, in that I'm subconsciously trying to contort my trans identity to fit the rigid framework that seems to be my natural habit of mind (and which characterized my young adulthood for a while - I converted to traditionalist Catholicism). Not sure how to get out of this kind of thinking, probably by interacting with people. But I don't get out into meatspace very often and my mom forbade me from visiting the autistic friend simulator (4chan). Lemmy.blahaj seems very welcoming though, and I think this kind of discussion falls well within its scope.

I’m increasingly convinced that the very idea of some kind of absolute or canonical vision of womanhood is inherently sexist and oppressively dogmatic.

I may well be an unwitting, but inveterate sexist: my father certainly was, and watching him abuse my mother emotionally/psychologically (and sometimes physically) for decades probably did a number on me.

https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/jubilee

That went well over my head, if indeed there's anything of substance behind the academic jargon. The closest-to-being-intelligible part was the numbered list towards the end, and I immediately take issue with the first point.

1. Performativity is about using action to convey symbolic meaning to other people.

I don't see other people as being involved at all. (To be fair, I never could figure out "other people;" in my former therapist's words I'm """probably""" on the spectrum, which might explain it). For instance, gender euphoria happens when, somehow suspending my disbelief, I catch a glimpse of myself and think maybe I could be a woman. There's no thought of conveying meaning to anyone, or moving through society in a different way. It's just a fleeting, momentary paradigm shift, gone as soon as I notice it when my analytical brain starts dissecting the myriad ways in which I could never be. Other people aren't involved, and the gender euphoria centers much more around physical characteristics of my body than around clothes or ornamentation. Physical characteristics which are, in effect, "hardwired" as feminine from an evolutionary perspective (with certain body proportions and other secondary sex characteristics correlating to appropriate hormone levels during puberty and indicating particular suitability for successful childbearing). (opinions may differ on this point, and I don't wish to make this the focus of conversation. I was taught this in college about a decade ago, and it seems eminently reasonable to me).

Maybe if I had FFS, breast implants, hip implants, and a vaginoplasty I could "fool" my brain into thinking I was a girl. But perhaps not permanently. I'm sure that cynical analytical asshole part of me would point out that I'm just a guy with an inverted benis, bags of saltwater slid beneath his chest, and metal plates screwed to his hips.

The best I can hope is to reincarnate as a proper girl. (and, thankfully, I'm convinced suicides don't reincarnate under the best of circumstances, if at all. Otherwise I'd be out of here like a shot).

I’m not sure if you want to hear exclusively from people who have detransitioned, or if perspectives from people who are still transitioning are also welcome.

All perspectives are very welcome, and thank you for your insightful comment. It gave me a lot to think about.