this post was submitted on 11 Feb 2025
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LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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Reluctant Detransition (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 1 day ago by pyu@lemmy.blahaj.zone to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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I’m curious how other folks have managed life after detransition. Due to mental health stuff (ended up in “grippysock jail” over half a dozen times) and later losing health insurance, I detransitioned some years ago. Semi-recently I went back on hormones, got an orchiectomy (which eased bottom dysphoria considerably), and now find myself stuck somewhere in the middle. I present as male exclusively.

I get that some people may wish to perform gender along the lines of what I’m describing, and that’s totally valid but it is not the case for me. I find the current state of affairs incredibly frustrating: I would like to be perceived as a woman. Or at least part of me does - another part doesn’t care and is waiting until I can become an hero and end the whole sordid business. In either case, presenting as female poses significant challenges, and I’m too depressed and discouraged to even try to surmount them. Even when I was more functional and had the pecuniary advantage of an allowance, it was very clear that no matter how well I honed the art of “presenting” as female, I would probably never pass.

So, to restate the question, how do people deal with the fact that (as those in some quarters of the internet put it) “you will never be a real girl”?

(and incidentally, should anyone be concerned, I'm safe and currently under psychiatric care)

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[–] pyu@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 19 hours ago* (last edited 19 hours ago) (1 children)

made me feel more detached from who I was

I've been dissociating pretty much my entire life, even before puberty brought concrete evidence (in retrospect) that I'm likely trans. Presenting as female didn't seem to fix things - I would still dissociate whenever someone was nasty, and in most social situations.

Maybe I've something else going on.

[–] LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 19 hours ago* (last edited 19 hours ago) (1 children)

For me being pre-op was the thing that caused a mental dissociation the most. I did struggle to rectify my anatomy with how I felt. Not that that necessarily is it for you.

[–] pyu@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 18 hours ago

I still hope to get bottom surgery, once I feel emotionally ready to endure it and the care that comes with it. Too depressed at the moment.

Orchiectomy helped much more than I was expecting. I basically wanted it for practical reasons, like not having to take Spiro anymore and being assured that even if I lose HRT access my body won't re-masculinize, but once I got it I was amazed at how much more human I felt.

Sounds like vagionplasty could be a bit like that.