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Getting Ahead of It: JD Vance Almost Definitely Didn’t Kill the Pope (www.mcsweeneys.net)

submitted 2 days ago by sundray@lemmus.org to c/theonion@midwest.social

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Here’s what we do know: After their meeting ended and Vice President Vance left the room, the pope was still alive. We can deduce that he was alive, because he was heard asking an assistant, “Ho appena incontrato il volto del diavolo?” which roughly translates to, “Have I just encountered the face of the devil?” It’s a very common question that has been asked in many languages after encounters with JD Vance.

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[–] FaceDeer@fedia.io 62 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I mean, there's more evidence that he killed the pope than there is evidence that he fucks couches. And lots of people are saying he fucks couches. Not saying that he does, of course, just that lots of people are saying it.

[–] grue@lemmy.world 16 points 2 days ago (2 children)

I still don't understand why everybody keeps talking about his fake couch fetish instead of his real dolphin fetish.

[–] Quadhammer@lemmy.world 8 points 2 days ago (2 children)

This begs the question is his ultimate fantasy a couch shaped dolphin or a dolphin shaped couch?

[–] FooBarrington@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago

No no no. He wants to dress up as a couch while getting violated by a dolphin.

[–] barneypiccolo@lemm.ee 4 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Oil up a vintage naugahyde couch, and it feels just like a dolphin.

I mean, I've heard, obviously...

Hey! This ain't about me, it's about Vance.

[–] Wilco@lemm.ee 3 points 2 days ago

This is how horrible rumors get started! Nicely done, keep it up.