this post was submitted on 17 Jun 2025
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i mean people tend to like confidence, also you get to stop wallowing in ignorance. conventionally attractive or not, either they say yes or no and then you get to move forward from there. going from not knowing to knowing, that is a positive.
You should know when it is appropriate to ask and when not:
Don'ts:
Do's:
Gotta say, this looks like a recipe for hamstringing yourself. Be confident. Be respectful. Accept that you'll get rejected, sometimes harshly, and that you just have to get back out and try again.
Like, seriously, you shouldnt introduce yourself to a woman at a party who is having a drink? I know we're on Lemmy, but that's still a pretty autistic take on human social interactions.
Did you even read what it wrote? Nowhere do i say that.
If you only strike conversations with people at a party with the intent of getting into their pants, you will not be invited to many parties. If you hold a conversation and then start to like each other, asking for a date is something different.
Sorry, I should have also added: don't be autistic.
Yeah, have other conversations. Meet people. Have a good time at a party. And then when you see someone hot, say hi and flirt with them, and then go by vibe and see if they wanna jump in the sack with you.
You said "no alcohol or drugs". You're aware that a shit ton of relationships start in bars, clubs, house parties, music festivals, etc? You just explicitly excluded one of the most common scenarios where people do their mating dances.
My experience is that such relationships usually end badly and quickly. Also sleeping around is not curing being an "incel". It is just masking the insecurity, lack of maturity and lack of responsible behavior.
However if you meet at a bar and decide to meet for a date later, having alcohol or drugs involved in that date also is a huge red flag. That means the person doing drugs has issues with their emotional regulation. Also especially for women doing drugs with some relatively unknown men is increasing the risk of being date-raped.
If you aren't a creep, don't do creepy shit. Involving alcohol and other drugs definitely is worse for everyone involved than being sober.
Okay, you are seriously terminally online. "Let's grab a drink" is a classic first date. I can go to literally dozens of bars tonight and see tons of people out on first dates over a reasonable amount of alcohol. Like, Jesus fucking Christ you're off the deep end if you think this constitutes creepy behavior.
That a lot of people have a problem with drinking and drug abuse and we have a toxic drinking culture doesn't make it a good idea to join in on it.
Many women are victims to sexual violence and domestic violence during their life. While these also happen without alcohol or other drugs, these increase the chance of violence significantly.
If you are serious about the other person, stay sober.
It is only anecdotically but none of the people i know had a club/bar/festival relationship survive. And when they ended, they ended with a lot of drama. One couple i knew briefly that went to parties together all thf time later accused each other of being violent.
Meanwhile the people that met through shared hobbies and friends do quite well, or managed to end their relationships in a respectful manner when things didnt work out.
But i guess not doings drugs and warning of their detriment means i am being "terminally online". After all, all the cool kids do drugs. And the older they get while doing that, the cooler they get...
This isn't about people who go out and get hammered 6 nights per week. It's about normal people doing a very normal thing - grabbing a beer at a bar, or sharing a joint on the back porch, or hell, making out with a stranger at a rave while you are both high on molly. These are normal, run of the mill dates and encounters that normal, responsible adults have all the time.
If you don't drink, that's fine. If going on a first date at a bar makes you uncomfortable, that's also fine. If someone asking you out on a date to a bar causes you to not want to interact with that person even further, once again, totally fine. But if you think it is creepy for normal, average, responsible adults to meet up and grab a beer and maybe make out, then you are bonkers.
Don't forget the most important 2:
Be attractive
Don't be unattractive
Important note: While bullet point 1 may be about physical attractiveness, bullet point 2 is not.
What is attractive and unattractive is always relative. I have seen fat girls with thin guys. And fat guys with thin girls. Many people who seemingly had a major disconnect in looks. But both found one another attractive.
For me I am quite OK with a chubby gal as much as a petite gal. But I am not attracted to either extreme. I knew an anorexic-like skinny girl and I found her far less attractive than even a very obese girl. The anorexic gal generated some concern for me because she was clearly starving, but couldn't eat much. Not due to a fear of getting fat, but to a metabolic issue.
Most women in my experience find a clean well dressed man more attrattive that a hot sitnky styless mofo. Take care of yourself. Face card can decline gentleman privilege is real.
every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man
This. Also, don't put them on the spot. If unsure, give your number and let them decide. If she's interested, she'll text, if not you haven't forced her to make a decision on the spot.
Definitely. Looking like Henry Cavill makes it easier, but confidence is really the main attraction. I know less attractive men sleep with Victoria's Secret-type women. And there is actually a study on men who are perpetually single, and the common denominator is being under-confident. But at the same time, you don't want to be overconfident and thus arrogant.
oh totally. my wife is gorgeous, and she spent a bit too much time in our social circles single because everyone (myself included) was too intimidated to ask her out. we were friends for ages, she started giving me a hard time about having her number for like eight years but never asking her on a date, my ego wasn't going to stand for that and here we are.
To be fair, it took her years to ask you to ask her. She could have just asked too.
She wanted him to.
My wife asked me out. Only time a woman has ever done that to me. Only time she had ever done it. I thought she was attractive but I honestly didn't expect that. Knowing what I know about her now, it took a lot of courage for her to do that.
She shot her shot and hit a bullseye. There are no good reasons for women to spend all their time waiting on men to initiate.
That's what I thought about my wife... We worked together, I wasn't looking for a relationship, in fact had just come out of a bad one and intended to be single for a while, but she was persistent in putting herself close to me, and while she didn't exactly "ask me out" she did push me into situations that very much resembled dates... After about a year we moved in together, then another year we were married... 19 years and 2 kids later, she started up a relationship with another guy in much the same way, but I was preoccupied with health problems so didn't notice for a couple months. When I did start to notice, she told me I was crazy, ridiculous, a few other not nice things, said he was "just a friend" or "nice to talk to"... But that she wanted a divorce because she had been unhappy for pretty much our entire marriage. I ended up having to talk to the other guy (because of course it was someone we both knew, our son's best friend's dad in fact) to get confirmation, and found out just how long it had been going on. He said she had told him we had been separated for "a while" but still living together for the sake of the kids. When I said that wasn't true, he seemed genuinely distressed and apologized pretty convincingly, and said he was going to break it off... of course I can't be sure he was being honest either... Holy traumadump, batman...
this point has come up in the year since