Well, obviously I'm not currently in receipt of it due to my appeal, but still. When I first started claiming, people were often rude and insulting towards me because of it, but as my illness progressed and I pretty much withdrew from the world, I thought at least I wouldn't have to listen to it any more. But today I'm even getting it at home from my landlady.
She gave her daughter £20K for a house deposit last year. She couldn't afford it, she put it on a credit card, at least most of it. Now she's in debt and complains about it constantly. She sucks up to her daughter and then takes her frustrations out on me. Just now she was on the phone to her daughter, and her daughter was telling her about how she has a holiday planned, after just coming back from abroad, and has just bought a new expensive bike, and been out partying, etc, all kinds of expensive things. And my landlady was cooing "Ooh how lovely!" and acting all nice about it.
As soon as she got off the phone, she started angrily having a go at me, saying when my benefits are reinstated and I've paid off the rent debt that's racking up, she's putting my rent up by 50% as she needs the money. I didn't feel this was fair and said it's not my fault she's in debt, she shouldn't have given her daughter £20K if she couldn't afford it. She started yelling, "She needs a house, and she works for her money! You don't even work for yours!"
And talking about how it's her money anyway as she used to be a taxpayer and my benefits come out of taxes. Well, I used to be a taxpayer too before becoming disabled.
It sounds pathetic but I feel like crying now. I've got no-one to talk to in real life. I haven't spoken to anyone but my horrid landlady, medical staff and delivery drivers in years. It just drives home that everyone from the DWP to the government to the general public thinks I'm undeserving of even the basic necessities of life and a burden to everyone. They act like benefit claimants are living it up, having a wonderful time, when the reality is reassessments on average every 2 years for me, appeals, and having to beg for every little thing.
If it wasn't for this site I would have ended it by now, this is the only place I have for friendship, emotional support and financial help. But even here I have to repost over and over on mutual aid when I need something, wondering if I'll be able to get the things I need. And forget ever having anything just for fun or pleasure, or to make life worthwhile, that's a distant dream. I try to convince myself that I'll get my benefits reinstated and then I'll be able to do the online art course I want to take and join the Order of Druids, but in reality who knows if I'll win my appeal or if I'll even by able to do anything after a 50% rent increase.
I don't understand why they won't just legalise assisted suicide for the disabled, nobody wants us anyway. And I hate those stupid cancer adverts for macmillan and cancer research, showing cancer patients surrounded by caring loved ones, showered with support and given all the help they need. It's not like that at all. At first people are shocked by your diagnosis and sympathetic but as your illness wears on and you get worse people get tired of you and can't be bothered with you any more. The country doesn't want to pay for you, the NHS waiting list is a million years long so your condition ends up worse than it had to be, and everyone treats you like scum because you don't work any more.
And I get blamed for my landlady's debt, just like the disabled in general get blamed for the country's debt. The disabled are accused of bankrupting the country with the benefits bill while MPs give themselves a payrise. I get told my benefits aren't my money anyway and that I'll have to pay more while my landlady almost bankrupted herself by giving her daughter a house deposit and wasting a fortune on horses and her estranged husband's nonsense (don't even get me started on that, it's an absolutely infuriating story.)
The daughter might work for her money but she also has a life, fun, holidays, family and friends. They act like I'm so lucky I get "free money" from other people, but what has that cost me? It's cost my life - I have nothing worthwhile, no fun, no friends, no freedom and nothing to look forward to. And everyone treats me like something they found on the bottom of their shoe - I have no other use to society so I might as well be used as society's punchbag.
I try so hard to find things to live for but at moments like this I wonder why I even bother.
Hey, you need a hug. I am sorry you're being pinched for cash. Can you afford the upcoming hike? Can you re-budget to make it work?
A lot of people feel like disabled individuals are a burden. Disabled people feel like a burden. People get stacked with situations they have to handle. Clearly your landlady is stacked with one. Also the more people get squeezed, the less compassion they have as a whole. If you can, I would suggest you either save your money or figure out a way to increase your income. I know nothing of your country though. I am just suggesting as a safety net you can utilize pending you find yourself in a horrible situation. This might sound rough, and it sounds like it's hard to find another place to rent, but perhaps look into that if you cannot agree to her standards. Maybe even a room? I am not sure what kind of access you need though. Otherwise, just be cordial enough to get through. Many do not do emotional please, they don't really care about emotions as a whole. So it's useless to utilize.
Outside of that, if you can plausibly remove yourself from some of the negative media you're taking in. Try to find some peace for your own soul. Even if you're in incredible amounts of pain, try to find a way to give yourself kindness. It doesn't have to come in the form of food. Or buying things, really at all. Just perhaps picking up a small hobby you can enjoy. I am not sure where the resources are online, but there might be a support group you can join. Likewise, not sure what is available in your area but you might be able to find someone who can help emotionally support you and meet you at a sustainable level to your income.
I am not sure if any of this helps, but just try your best to give yourself a little fresh air from time to time (even if it's from a window), eat as best as you can (even if it's all crap - eat the best crap you can), and try to de-escalate your pain through self-kindness.
Drink water!
Hugs!
You bother, because you are. When you're not, you won't bother. Just keep bothering, because you're worth bothering over.
I can't budget because I don't have any income at all, my disability benefits were stopped and I'm going through appeal. I'm falling further and further into rent arrears, and have to beg on mutual aid here for food and whatever else I need. There isn't any money to save, and i can't move because of that. I can hardly say to a new landlord "I have no money and can't pay rent but let me live here anyway." My landlady only allows me to continue to live here because if she throws me out, she's worried she'll never see me again and then won't be paid the rent arrears if I win my disability appeal.
As for hobbies, as I said, there are thing I'm interested in doing, but things cost money and I have none. As the previous poster said, disability claimants aren't allowed to earn money. I am allowed to receive monetary gifts under a certain amount, but even then if I win my appeal they'll go through my accounts and I'll have to explain everything.
The government makes living as a disabled person as precarious and difficult as possible, because society hates people who don't work and they vote for this.
This might sound awful, but if you have contact with any family or former close friends it might be time to contact them. Likewise check in with shelters in the area. I am not sure of your gender identity, but they're usually separated by such. Not all things that are hobbies cost money, believe it or not. In America, you can be on disability and work. So that's why I am not entirely clear of the ins and outs of your system. It was just a suggestion. Likewise, there are ways to work without claiming the cash. Is all I am saying. I am not saying that disabled people should get out there, I am saying this world is cruel and finding ways to negate this help in times of crisis in my opinion. I can't force you to do anything. I know nothing of the systems you are navigating. Society doesn't hate people who don't work. Society hates people, period. I mean most people. To be honest. I think it's due to a lot of cruelty that we have developed in waves en masse against people who are different in any way shape or form. It seems like the people who get to the top are the ones who can play this system. Everyone else is a disaster away from a fall.
I am not sure how you're accessing this, and I don't know what programs you have - but if you can get a free phone - I'd get one now. I am not sure why your benefits were stopped, but I'd try and be in someone's asshole about that. Outside of that, you might want to start writing, is what I was going to suggest. Not to the world (unless you want to) but instead organizing your thoughts and creating a series of plans from worst-case to best-case and try and execute best-case first and if that's off the table keep going until worst case. Because you don't want to be another person with a disability on the street. Exposed living is rough.
Fuck the hobbies though, if you're about to lose your housing. Just focus on getting safe from there. But do try at some point if and when you are safe to integrate a hobby. It really can be zero-cost if you choose something light. I express this as a means to find joy, and reprieve from daily pains. Finding a support group really might help as well. Because when you're in pain, you feel like the only human alive going through your experience. We've all got our something though. GL! You're gunna be okay, just don't quit even if it's the hard stuff. Tell people what you need. Make your needs reasonable. Communication (firm communication) is key, especially if it's between you and the streets. Your landlady is not sympathetic. TBH, I think she should be the last to know about anything. Stay in people's minds when fixing things. You can be one of two things from my time in shitty situations: A pleasure, or an awful pain. Pick one. People will help sweet people, because it'll be a story of triumph amongst the misery. People will also help shitheads, because they want to get them as far away as possible from their existence. That means processing them fast, and getting them to be someone else's problem. I've got nothing else but to say good luck (again, cause it takes it). Just get out there (metaphorically or literally) and do what you need to do in order to keep yourself safe.