The Onion

MOORESVILLE, IN—Purporting to be proud to reside in the U.S., local resident Jeff Chapman, who spends six hours a day posting about how every city in the nation is a third world hellhole, reportedly stated, “America is the greatest country on Earth,” Monday. “Being born in the U.S. is better than winning any lottery,” said Chapman, who had spent nearly two hours on his phone before he even got out of bed that morning, posting in the comments section of a TikTok guide to the best pizza in Chicago about how the urban areas where 80% of the nation’s citizens lived were uninhabitable, anarchic wastelands that should be nuked into oblivion. “America is a beacon of freedom. America is a shining city atop a hill. I thank God every day for our [woke groomer] troops. I will always stand up for America [when I am not busy accusing millions of Americans of being sociopathic drug dealers and pedophiles who should be shot without trial].” At press time, Chapman was praising the nation as the greatest failed state in the history of the world.