this post was submitted on 15 Sep 2023
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Comradeship // Freechat
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I go by she/her. That feeling when you literally put out your pronouns but people still they/them you.
I’m not the person you’re replying to, and I don’t mean any offense, but isn’t it pretty general form to interchangeably refer to people as they/them in conversations when referring to that person non-directly no matter the pronouns? Unless they directly tell you to not do that and you keep doing it of course.
But something kind of like, “Oh, they left their phone here”, “I should ask them what they think”, “I think they’re opinion is different”.
Again, I apologize and I don’t mean any offense, but I’ve had the question for a while and it would be nice to clear it up to not make a mistake if I’ve been making one.
If someone's pronouns are known, use them. To do otherwise is disrespectful.
That makes sense and it wouldn’t be hard for me to do, but it might be a cultural thing, but where I am people use they/them for absolutely everyone unless requested by the person or directly specified, or they’ll use their pronouns and they/them interchangeably.
But I see what you’re trying to say, I hope I don’t come across as dismissive or not agreeing.
I've just seen too many bigots say they/them for trans people because they are too bigoted to correctly gender the trans person, but don't want to seem bigoted. I'm going to assume you're acting in good faith, so please be aware that using they/them when you know someone's pronouns is still misgendering.
Of course, I understand what you mean. It does seem like a sneaky way to be transphobic without being overt about it.
I was actually a bit confused about that when I first heard that being a problem, and I was also a bit confused by reactionaries crying that they/them isn’t grammatically correct or whining about “being forced to use they/them”, because when I say that where I am it’s used for everyone, it’s used for EVERYONE, even if their pronouns are known. Cis, trans, non-binary, AMAB, AFAB, neo-pronouns, it doesn’t matter, everyone is “they/them” lmao. Only caveat is if the person asks you to not use that, or use something else instead, then it’s seen as rude or bad form to keep going with the they/them.
But I definitely see what you mean, and while it’s so ingrained and common I’ll probably keep doing that in real life, I can definitely try to avoid using they/them online.
Thanks for the explanation!
I apologize, I didn't see your name, mainly just read your comment. It's a force of habit for me online to use "they" for anyone online. I don't mean to use "they" as an assumption of one's gender or preferred pronoun, its just force of habit grammatically in my speech where I am from. Although I must admit it's a little sad that when I try and educate someone on their own reactionary terminology I myself end up on the receiving end. Shows everyone's got something to learn.