I stand up, I look out my window at the big city. I think 'how is any of this real, and why do I have to age and eventually die?'
I wake up in the morning in my weird little flat. I wonder to myself, 'so this is it, huh? I just do this until my body fails?'
I cook myself a meal. I find out how a museum works behind the scenes. I get a tour of an office. I see my friends go out. I book a movie ticket. I work out. I watch a comedian. I listen to a podcast. All of these things just make me ponder what the point of it all is. Am I doing it wrong? Am I doing it pretty well? Why should I accumulate all this knowledge if I'm just going to die? What's the point in watching my stupid obscure movies that I can't even talk to people about? Am I missing out on the human experience?
Realistically I'm a happy ape. All my needs are satisfied. But I am a sad human.
I think it's all linked to graduating. The pressures on to do well, the workload is racking up, and then once that's all done I just get thrown into the real world. That's it. Then it truly is just doing the same thing over and over. Then it really is a question of survival. Would it be better to just be a dumb neolithic huntsman who is grateful for his bed of fur in his cave? What the fuck did those guys even think of when they took psychedelics? Well, spirits, I know, but wow, the things in their head must've been so original. If I do them, most of my thoughts are just about the garbage I've watched, and my modern worries that are worrisome but relatively tame.
Is this just a normal thing to go through, and then you get on with it and accept that this is just how things are?
Maybe life is simply starting to get to me, and time will tell if I crack under pressure.
talking to my parents and grandparents has made me realize how profoundly boring modern life is. my granddad can talk for hours about his life and the things he did when he was my age and all i'll have for my kids is "uhh i posted on a communist forum and looked at tiktoks."
the best thing you can do is get offline and talk to people
on the other hand my grandparents were uneducated and grew up in poverty with bombing raids a fact of life in some ways life is better now
What sorta stuff did your grandfather do?
both my grandparents were teachers who moved around a lot for work. they did a lot of odd jobs over the years too; forestry work, commercial fishing in Alaska, etc.
Same, I guess, but the way they lived just doesn't exist in the same way anymore. You could go to another country, pick up a job, and realistically imagining owning a home. On their holidays there's all of these amazing cultural experiences and an authentic world much more untouched by the filthy grip of neoliberalism.
Nowadays I go out and try to experience the world. I don't have the money to go on holiday, so I'm restricted to my city. The fun stuff my parents and grandparents speak of - going out, popping songs on the jukebox, having a real dance, all of your friends are there - well, I've tried it many times. Mostly it's expensive and unsatisfying. People barely even dance anymore. A drink at a club will set you back half your nights budget. All the songs are algorithm created shite (and I'm not some modern music hater, I love the stuff, but 'pop' is in an absolutely dire state - thanks capitalism) and whatever songs tiktok has made popular. You can get a big night out of friends, but these clubs and pubs don't feel like hubs of community, just modes of extraction. Sometimes you find a niche little bar that's fun to go to, and then someone posts it online and the entry price goes up and it becomes full of hipster nauses.
So I'd rather just stay at home, work out to keep my body healthy, cook a nice meal and enjoy my creature comforts.