I graduated with a bachelors in computer science around 4 years ago. Long story short, I was depressed, dysphoric, and suicidal throughout my college years and by the time I finished I didn’t want to do anything. I’ve been unemployed for the last 4 years but I’ve also transitioned, started taking better care of myself, and overall I feel much better.
Anyways, I need to get a job now. What kind of lies can I get away with on my resume to cover up the long period of unemployment? Should I pretend I started some sort of company and it failed? Pretend like I went on some backpacking journey in a foreign country? Do companies even check all this stuff?
I did do an internship at a big tech company several years ago, and I’m working on personal software projects so I can put that on my resume. Also, I’m in Amerikkka.
Sorry if this question has been asked here before 
I would say you can lie about anything your employer isn't going to bother to check. But those items aren't what you really want to highlight anyway.
I dropped out of college my senior year and fucked around for a few months. Ended up getting a job at a small IT firm, after shopping my resume with "4 years at University" and then a list of my more notable classes.
But I also spent six months volunteering at an adult literacy non-profit and some time campaigning for a city councilman. These were the people I put as contacts on my resume, and they were the ones who gave me the glowing reviews that got me an entry level mediocre job.
When I changed jobs five years later, I'd gone back and finished my degree. I put '06 as my graduation date, because I didn't want to explain the gulf between when I started and finished. But, again, the thing that really sold me was testimonial from a few ex-coworkers and the "5 years experience" they could easily verify.
Lie about whatever will get you into that first interview, but make sure you've got something shiny you can show off that's real. That (plus looking professional and savvy at the actual face-to-face) is what ultimately gets you an offer.
This exactly
The vast majority of your CV is about getting you through the filters. If the job requires a Bachelors and you don't have one? Then I have one less interview I need to do in between all my other responsibilities. And so forth.
Lie on stuff that don't matter. If you say you did some gig/contract work with one of those sites, nobody cares. If you say you have a degree from a state uni? Nobody cares. Same with a lot of "capability" certs (less so the security or accreditation ones).
But if it is something that distinguishes you? Odds are the hiring committee have to actively make an argument for hiring you over someone else. So if you say you had a 4.0 GPA from MIT? Basically everyone knows someone who knows someone and so forth. If the alumni association (or even just the admin someone knew) doesn't acknowledge your existence, it now marks you as a liar.
Same with anyone who claims they were a c-level or founded their own company or whatever. It reeks of bullshit to begin with (if you were a CTO you are not applying for an SSE position) but is also something that is easily verified and avoids us hiring you in favor of someone who is actually competent.
And the folk on that hiring committee also goof off on the internet and know all the "say you were a super high level person at a bankrupt company". Except they also likely know people who worked there and it is really strange if nobody remembers that you were Head of Ops or whatever.
Heh, my genuine favorite interview ever was a REALLY good candidate who insisted they had Role XYZ at ABC Corp. And the guy down the hallway from me was literally that position. Three of us were on the interview portion and we all had the same "wait a moment..." response. Excused myself to go use the restroom, whispered to "stall for time" and then grabbed him to "sit in" and interrogate the fraud on their former job responsibilities and accomplishments. Was a blast.
If I were OP? I would:
And boom. You are likely still fucked if the filter checks for continuous employment but that should get you past any of the "sniff test" questions and let you actually focus on interviewing who you are, not what your paper says you are.
This reminds me of the scene from Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul where the lawyers demand a dollar before advising them on criminal activities.
The transaction makes you a client. If anyone asks, it’s the truth. They didn’t ask if you were ethical or a criminal or whatever, just whether he’s your lawyer, and the honest truth is yes, he is because I went through the process of hiring him.
In other words, comfort yourself and be confident through technicalities. Most people will be able to smell bullshit if you’ve NEVER engaged in the activity you’re lying about because you have zero truths to latch to. Good lies always have some truth to them.