I graduated with a bachelors in computer science around 4 years ago. Long story short, I was depressed, dysphoric, and suicidal throughout my college years and by the time I finished I didn’t want to do anything. I’ve been unemployed for the last 4 years but I’ve also transitioned, started taking better care of myself, and overall I feel much better.
Anyways, I need to get a job now. What kind of lies can I get away with on my resume to cover up the long period of unemployment? Should I pretend I started some sort of company and it failed? Pretend like I went on some backpacking journey in a foreign country? Do companies even check all this stuff?
I did do an internship at a big tech company several years ago, and I’m working on personal software projects so I can put that on my resume. Also, I’m in Amerikkka.
Sorry if this question has been asked here before 
I don't disagree that learning the administrative tasks or company culture is necessary at any job. I disagree that one can walk into an interview and say "don't worry if I don't seem technically proficient; I'll learn on the job". I also agree that one should learn more technical skills on the job.
I do think practically speaking, to do well in a technical interview, the best practice is actually building something with the tech. Even if it's a hello world.
As for being productive day one, I don't know what to tell you. I can be very productive in probably week one depending on a few factors but I'm 10+ years experienced in my field and have worked at probably 10 different companies over the past decade. I know what I'm doing and I've been through the onboarding process enough times to know the drill.