jordan @jordan stratton
In order to get a true representation of each country's athletic skill, the Olympics should randomly select citizens to compete like it's jury duty:
Who's next on the balance beam for the US? Is it Simone Biles? Nope it's 39yo electrician, Dale. Wow he does not look confident
39 year old Dale the electrician and father of two young girls would be VERY CONFIDENT. What he wouldn't be is skilled.
He'd run at full speed (for Dale) onto the mat, fall on his ass and then start making snow angels.
He'd run to the bars, grab on, go halfway up, fall on his ass and then start making snow angels.
Balance beam? He'd run up at full speed, realize he has a bad back, run to the side of it, tap, tap, tap, fall to the ground and, you guessed it, snow angels.
And of course after each event he'd stand up (well, someone will probably have to give him a hand), but he'll stand up, do little finish, hands straight up as the crowd applauds. Whoops did I saw hands straight up? I meant finger guns. Pew pew Dale. Pew pew.
Dale will revolutionize the Olympics. New scoring categories will be added for 'attitude', 'pizzazz', and 'puns'.
Dale has expertise in all, a true champion
This will just devolve into an international Red Bull event, and I'm all for it.