I am fairly active on Lemmy and I want to ask this rather personal question using this account. Friendly warning: I talk about trauma in this post, and I am both autistic and ADHD so forgive if you read something that seems asinine to you.
Question: Would you consider yourself successful? If so, how much have you let your past trauma/bad luck (if any) affect you? I’ve gotten into a rut lately where I cannot get it out of my head that I am unlucky, and so I am trying to get perspective.
While some people would call me successful because I am highly educated (PhD in Engineering), have my own house (valued at $1M+), am fairly good looking (pull both ladies and men), have a decent enough resume with fancy names on it etc. I still feel like a loser because I am not married and don’t have kids, and I don’t think I am exceptional or outstanding in my field (this is not imposter syndrome, I am just not as good as people who are great).
Lately I’ve been examining why I feel like shit about my life, and I think it’s because whenever I had time to learn and grow, something outside of my control happened which derailed me. Am I making excuses and not taking responsibility?
I know I have C-PTSD as I was diagnosed for it, so obviously I let my past affect me. I also have memory issues because of trauma which have gotten worse over the years. I still have issues about being bullied and mocked in middle school, and I am not sure that’s normal. I also got bullied in primary school and high school as well, but remember less of this. I remember I had a math teacher who beat me in primary school (because I grew up where that was allowed).
When my parents moved to the U.S., my family faced a period of extreme poverty for at least 10 years during which I went through HS and college. My brother started emotionally and physically abusing at this point till he moved out. My brother and I had a weird relationship even prior to the physical (not sexual) abuse in that one time he kissed me, and it was such a gross moment because I really trusted him.
College was also isolating because I burned out from the poverty issues and emotional/physical abuse from my brother, and I got severely isolated and depressed and burnt out. I went to a top 30 liberal arts school so it wasn’t exactly an easy place, but it’s not like it was Harvard tough.
After college I ended up working somewhere I kind of liked at first but by this time I had developed an emotional void which needed attention and love, and I instead focused that on trying to excel at work but in a way which alienated others and isolated me socially. I ended up leaving that job for a higher paying one, and I’ve learned over time how to recognize these trauma-induced symptoms in me and to even out my personality for better social interactions.
I started going to school part-time while working, and it was during this time that I started getting stalked and received unwanted sexual attention. I went to the police and over time this matter resolved itself. I finished school etc.
Which brings me to now where I feel like a complete loser who isn’t deserving of respect or love, or a dignified life.
I am wondering if I feel this way because I can’t handle stress like other people can, and there are people who have had worse things happened and are more successful? The latter is definitely true, so I think I want to hear from you about your traumas and how your life is successful despite them.
I also want to know if I am just making excuses for being mediocre, please feel free to let me know if I am being dramatic.
Things are hard when we don't know or understand. Like how playing an instrument for the first time is very difficult, we don't know how to. This is obvious but it also applies to life in general.
Right now, even though you are relatively successful in multiple different ways, life is still hard. This is because you haven't yet learned to understand your emotions and past trauma. It's hard not understanding them and it's hard learning it for the first time, but afterwards it's easier and eventually easy.
Most people are unlucky at some point and face hardship eventually. Learning how to manage hardship is an inevitability, and learning now can even put you ahead of others.
My dad had a mid life crisis, divorced my mother, abused and neglected his children. He never learned to manage his emotions and it consumed him, and he hurt many others around him. Hardship isn't always a setback, but an unavoidable lesson you can choose to learn from.
What doesn't kill you may not make you stronger but it can certainly makes you wiser.
Thanks for sharing your experience, and I am sorry you went through that.