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this post was submitted on 12 May 2022
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askchapo
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The big problem is that a lot of this is stuff that I've genuinely been trying to work hard on for the last 4-5 years, and not only has it not really changed anything socially about my life (although I have been slightly more stable in employment), it's all come crashing down on me lately. I got a real bad leg injury (like, probably gonna require surgery to reattach something bad) in the course of keeping up with my regular weight-training routine & my work, and not only is it costing me a lot of money, but it's also prevented me from moving forward with my life (i.e. getting my own place closer to work).
I'm also someone who didn't have a lot of opportunities growing up, I don't feel. I come from, & still live in, a small & relatively poor community, and I myself lived in a trailer park until I was about 12. I've also got ASD, and it's significant enough that I got diagnosed very young & spent nearly all my school years in special education; and where I went to school they were very big on physical restraint & isolation as punishments. My parents, just as well, had a lot of their own problems & were not generally able to pay attention to what was going on with me, or my sister (who has had a whole host of problems on here own). I never had a lot of chances to make friends with people in my time, and when I have tried most don't seem to care for my company, or my particularities. Admittedly some of that is my own fault though I suppose, as I was not a very happy or positive person for a very long time, and in a lot of ways I'm still not most of the time though I still try & do what I think is right.
I suppose for all of those reasons I don't really have the ability to be as naturally "attentive" as people might ask or expect of me; and that makes me very dubious of my ability to ever really be a part of society.
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I'm not sure how I want to conclude this now as it's close to my bedtime, and I'm running out of brain-power to formulate & connect ideas with; but I hope you can figure out what I'm trying to get at here.