I came out to my mom in may and until 2.5 weeks ago everything was fine. I had another session with my therapist and before that I told her how my feelings regarding my gender identity intensified and that I seriously started considering DIY HRT (not in that words because she doesn't know what that means, but that was the point). After that she started to swing really hard in both directions when talking to me about my gender identity. She is doing her best to help me (it's not very successful because she doesn't understand what being trans means) but sometimes she tells me how people from LGBT community do really bad stuff. To be fair, in our country there were some situations where someone from from the community who would do something in public they really shouldn't do, but that's really small number of people. I told her that only some people are like that and most don't do things like that but she just tells me that it's actually opposite. Today she entered my room just to show me how some crossdressers "made fun" of the Last supper (she found it offensive because she is a Christian) and to tell me how bad it is and that that's what I want to get into. Worst part is that I already told her the first time that I don't want to participate in public LGBT events and that I just want to live my own life, but she continues to do stuff like this. To me it feels like she sees things like things and is scared that I will be part of that while ingoring what I already told her. And I don't like the way she talks about that. I'd like to give her some resources so she could learn something about trans people but I couldn't find anything good on my native language (she doesn't know any other language). If I just told her that wouldn't be enough. At this point I'm not sure is she truly accepting or not. What should I do?
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- Trans Resistance Network // A US-based mutual aid organization to help trans people facing state violence and legal discrimination.
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- TransLifeLine's ID change Library // A comprehensive guide to changing your name on any US legal document.
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Support Hotlines:
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- TransLifeLine // A US/Canada LGBTQ+ phone support hotline service. The US line has Spanish support.
- LGBT Youthline.ca // A Canadian LGBT hotline support service with phone call and web chat support. (4pm - 9:30pm EST)
- 988lifeline // A US only Crisis hotline with phone call, text and web chat support. Dedicated staff for LGBTQIA+ youth 24/7 on phone service, 3pm to 2am EST for text and web chat.
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A lot depends on the safety of the country and what your next steps will be. If you want to transition fully, at some point you need to tell her that it isn't a debate or conversation; you're going to transition and she can either get on board or not. Prepare to live independently in case she refuses to accept you. The key is making it absolutely clear that there is no possibility of her convincing you to "live normally."
If your country is especially dangerous and unsupportive, you'll probably need to "stealth" as a cis woman in order to transition. You'll need to choose either side of the binary, regardless of how you identify, and go all in to convincing strangers that you aren't queer. You'll need to gender conform and only deviate around known allies. In that situation, it'll be important to to find local queer people and move out. In order to keep your sanity, you'll need safe spaces, and living with someone transphobic will be miserable.
You can hope that you're mom will accept reality, but it wouldn't be safe to rely on that. If you want to transition and your family doesn't support you, the best case scenario is you move on. Leave the door open for them coming back into your life, but only if they agree to accept unconditionally. Otherwise, you'll hurt each other trying to create incompatible futures.