this post was submitted on 26 Feb 2025
268 points (97.9% liked)

The Onion

5895 readers
364 users here now

The Onion

A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.

Great Satire Writing:

founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
 

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/26072485

Not a day goes by without a blow administered by Donald Trump to the terrible Wokist-Sorororist octopus! The White House leader today signed the decree officially switching the United States to the Cyrillic alphabet, ending the dark age of Latin script on America's sunny Gulf coasts.

"You know who uses Latin letters? Mexicans and Colombians, who bring us drugs. Why use a crackhead alphabet when there's a great one, absolutely wow, invented by two monks. The monks aren't druggies, they're not Mexicans, they don't eat dogs. That's it. From now on, anyone who writes in Latin eats cats. Canadians. You're effectively the last Canadians," Trump said, alluding to his earlier war against Mexicans who eat dogs and cats after marinating them overnight in a drug-laced, super-proven and verified drug bath.

Russian President Vladimir Putin welcomed Trump's upright gesture and sent him a gift of a set of colored pencils produced at the famous "Pobeda" stationery factory in Pasholnahuisk.

top 21 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] NoxAstrum@lemmy.ca 19 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I know this is false because it would probably also require them to use SI units. We know that's never going to happen.

[–] givesomefucks@lemmy.world 5 points 1 month ago (2 children)

US federal law to make the switch to Metric was decades ago...

It's just they never I cluded language for when states have to change.

That's why the federal interstate markers say KMs along with MIs.

Not sure what the loophole is for still putting only miles on exit signs, but technically the US has been metric for a very long time.

Oddly enough, it was a Republican (Ford specifically) who it happened under.

[–] bitchkat@lemmy.world 4 points 1 month ago (1 children)

We were progressing pretty well and then we elected Reagan.

[–] givesomefucks@lemmy.world 0 points 1 month ago

At the time the party split because a majority of the party thought Jimmy Carter was moving too far right and they were worried where it would lead...

And by some weird trick of history, Carter is know widely remembered as the last great progressive Dem...

The Overton window moving right has been a huge problem for a very very long time.

[–] Quill7513@slrpnk.net 2 points 1 month ago (3 children)

federal interstate markers say KMs

where? i've never seen this

[–] mkwt@lemmy.world 3 points 1 month ago

Only on a short stretch from Nogales to Tucson.

[–] bitchkat@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago

Most signs were dual marked back in late 70s, tv weather reported in both etc. Now all we get is pop and drugs.

[–] tigeruppercut@lemmy.zip 2 points 1 month ago

Some near Canada do

[–] lily33@lemm.ee 14 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

Файнали, уи дон'т хев ту уори абаут спелинг энимор, иц ол ритан хау иц рэд.

[–] Localhorst86@feddit.org 10 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (2 children)

~~Перехожу на кириллицу, чтобы владеть либертардами. Буквам плевать на твои чувства, снежинка~~
Сwитчинг то Цыриллиц то оwн тхе либтардс. Леттерс доньт царе абоут ыоур феелингс, сноwфлаке

[–] Glitterbomb@lemmy.world 10 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Ам сояяу тчат уоц тчоцбчт ше шеяе цсфиб тче агрчаьет сояяестгу. Ше аяеит тнат смаят

[–] Sprinks@lemmy.world 8 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (2 children)

My favorite detail about this post is the cyrillic writing used for Trump, Трамп, spells out Tramp in the thumbnail. (Learning Ukrainian, not fluent but feel comfortable with cyrillic alphabet)

[–] 2xsaiko@discuss.tchncs.de 5 points 1 month ago

That's actually how it's generally spelled in order to be a phonetically close transliteration of the name. The <а> in Трамп is pronounced /a/, which is closest to the /ʌ/ in Trump.

[–] sirdorius@programming.dev 1 points 1 month ago

The article image is great, too bad it's so cropped

[–] 2xsaiko@discuss.tchncs.de 1 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

Хахаха, владеть либертардами. Очень смешной видеть фразу переведена на другой язык)

Может государство США Трампа разработать 1-ю подходящую кириллическую ортографию для английский язык, где все другие не удались? Заплачу им 10 руб

[–] Justas@sh.itjust.works 9 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Russian President Vladimir Putin welcomed Trump's upright gesture and sent him a gift of a set of colored pencils produced at the famous "Pobeda" stationery factory in Pasholnahuisk.

"Pashol Nahui" means to "go on a dick". A small detail you might have missed.

[–] wasabi 5 points 1 month ago

Russian equivalent of "go fuck yourself"

[–] frunch@lemmy.world 6 points 1 month ago

I thought this was legit at first, lol!

Goes to show how ridiculous shit has gotten

[–] hellfire103@lemmy.ca 3 points 1 month ago

Натинг эбаут зе ЮСА сюрпрайзес ми энимор.

[–] Zier@fedia.io 1 points 1 month ago

Не шокирован.

[–] veganpizza69@lemmy.vg 1 points 1 month ago