Wtf how is the onion supposed to keep up with this shit

Okay, that's a red flag. Someone check his hard drive.

god these people are fucking weird. so fucking weird.

he installed “accountability software” called Covenant Eyes on his devices in order to abstain from internet porn

Covenant Eyes sounds like some Handmaid's Tale shit.

I get that lots of jokes are to be made about the porn part but what really should be concerning everyone is that the current Speaker of the House pays a third party to snoop on every aspect of his phone.

Was he using his personal phone for any of his duties in Congress?

Is he still using this phone with even more potentially secret government information as a member of the Gang of 8?

This is a MASSIVE security risk, who the fuck knows what information this Covenant Eyes “company” is now privy to.

ETA: From a Wired article from Sept 2022: https://www.wired.com/story/covenant-eyes-anti-porn-accountability-monitoring-apps/

"But Covenant Eyes and Accountable2You do much more than just police pornography. When WIRED downloaded, decompiled, and tested Covenant Eyes and Accountable2You, we found that both apps are built to collect, monitor, and report all sorts of innocent behavior. The applications exploited Android’s accessibility permissions to monitor almost everything someone does on their phone. While the accessibility functionalities are meant to help developers build out features that assist people with disabilities, these apps take advantage of such permissions to either capture screenshots of everything actively being viewed on the device or detect the name of apps as they’re being used and record every website visited in the device’s browser."

Emphasis mine. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Dude has this software on every one of his devices and now the Christofascists behind Covenant Eyes and any one willing to hack them, ie foreign governments, has screenshots of everything he is viewing. Massive massive security risk.

Same software the Duggar pedo used?

Is porn intake measured in sieverts or mW/cm² or what?

What level is considered safe?

Asking for a friend.

So what you're telling me is, that Johnson and his little Johnson measure the usage of each other's Johnsons?

Ok, how many burner phones does he have?

There is no normal, only weird and weirder. Beware the normies, for they are least normal of us all.

As a parent, thats just some shit you don't wanna know. Like idgaf if its furry or scat shit keep it to yourself, kid.

Mike Johnson is a walking argument for voting against 70+ year-old geriatrics who can't string together coherent sentences.

All it takes is one exceedingly unlucky accident and that motherfucker becomes president.

Isn't this the kind of thing TOR and a private browsing session was made for? Additionally this is just bizarre.

Its really creepy and intrusive. But at the same time, I can find really fucked up porn with literally zero effort.

I mean, if your kid has terrabytes of rough incest bdsm porn people will ask why you werent monitoring their internet use, but monitoring them like this feels like a different kind of weird.

Nothing creepy about that