When in doubt, or fed up, I just go hard on "no subtext".
There is a limit to how much I allow people to demand I decode their words for things they are not willing to say out loud.
this post was submitted on 12 Apr 2024
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Tbh a really good lesson I learned was not to look into subtext too hard, you'll often over analyze and come to the wrong conclusion.
Exactly. Not only does it take a lot of energy, but getting it wrong and reading subtext where there is none causes unpleasant and confusing situations. Missing subtext, at worst, causes mild frustration.
demand I decode
Maybe some people do this, but I get a malingering vibe from this perspective. I think it's more likely that people are just about "If you get what I mean, we can connect and feel closer". And if you don't wanna connect with them, that's fine!
Yeah, probably closer to my intent. To me, "demanding" isn't a heavy and loaded word implying evil intent.
Another thing that adds to the fun: the meaning of words to different people.
A more extreme example is a story I vaguely remember where one person thought of "it tastes good" as somewhat negative, while the other actually meant "really good"/quite positive. Or something along those lines
fed up. its usually fed up.
aaaa why’d i have to get stuck with the first one it’s so exhausting >.<
Furiously parses every word of your sentence, with a special minute examination of the emoji
I'm often 2 during a conversation (when my brain is too focused on trying to ignore everything else going on and listen), and then 1 for the rest of eternity after that, when it's generally too late to do anything about it, but my brain is happy to repeat the conversation forever more.. 🤦♀️
I'm 1 before a conversation to build a scrip, 2 during a conversation, then back to 1 after the conversation to figure out why the scrip didn't work to make a better script next time.
Takes so much energy to live like this. I recently learnt I was autistic though, so working on reducing the desire for the scrip
- me when I'm awake
- me when I'm tired
I feel like it's more that we all just bounce back and forth between the two
Same. I think the hard part is finding which one fits the situation and that's where the spectrum kicks in.
I run into the first kind all the time. I'd say a good 80% of arguments I find myself in online have to do with someone focusing on a single word out of an entire paragraph and ignoring all the context and subtext surrounding that single word and the only way to get them to see the actual point is to give a lecture on English.
The first one is me when I'm anxious, the 2nd one is me when im fed up or tired.
When Im tired+anxious either one of two things could happen:
- I just stop registering anything and do whatever the fuck I want.
- I panic and start throwing people because i can't register the details I think are very important, and that is making me terrified of social repercussions because I am probably about to do something that is socially unacceptable, and even though its perfectly innocent in my head I will be ostracized and or assaulted for it.
The best is when I'm neither anxious nor tired, I just pick up what I pick up and what I don't... well people will just have to be more fucking clear about it don't they?
90% of my social anxieties are somehow related to this, as are 90% of my violent outbursts. Why can't people just fucking tell me what they want from me? Why am I not allowed to throw people?
The first one is me when I’m anxious, the 2nd one is me when im fed up or tired.
I'm exactly the same. If I'm anxious, such as in new social settings, I will completely overanalyze everything and run it by trusted friends to see what I am missing. If I'm fed up with their bs, then I couldn't care less, hold strict boundaries, and only focus on face value, despite the consequences. I'm not going to put forth all this energy to making things work with certain people when I don't find the value in it or feel like they're not putting forth the same effort.
The best is when I’m neither anxious nor tired, I just pick up what I pick up and what I don’t… well people will just have to be more fucking clear about it don’t they?
Yep. I've been slowly taking this approach with the idea that I will naturally end up in a group where I belong as I am. If people get upset or I don't feel comfortable in one social setting, then I just wont engage. I'll eventually find a place where I feel comfortable.
Yeah that expecting yourself to end up where you fit is something im really working on with therapy right now. Rationally I'm convinced its the way to go, its how my partents thought me to go about things. Sadly Ive been bullied a ton quite early in life, and because of that often assumed I was just not compatible with the world. Workwise I also had some bad luck... so its a lot of work building up the trust in myself and the people around me that its enough to just be myself... But I know I can do it, and I have the right support RN, so it just a matter of time.
A little rant, but ive never said this out loud now that I think off it ^^" yay progress
yay progress
🥳🥳🥳
I'm still surprised how similar a lot of us are. It's like being autistic results in having nearly the same experience across the board.
as it goes with a lot of diagnosis.
This doesnt do it justice, but being socially different in a specific set of ways tend to create the same results as human social communication is just so specific... sure theres some local customs and habbits and such withing communities, but the thing we look for in a primal sense are all very specific. Not making those rule consistently is as confusing for them as it is for us. so suddenly their whole social playbook goes down the drain* and the only options are to either reject or to really engage and try to understand that different world, making all sorts of sacrifices in an attempt to try and keep up. (you know, like we do 24/7).
*NGL, at times I get a fair amount of satisfaction when this happens. Like; welcome to my world darling; do you not know what my face means? OH, that must be terrible. No, I'm not gonna tell unless you ask, and then i'm gonna act like you're weird for not understanding right away! OH, what was that? did i not respect your space? I'm sorry, just explain to me all the ways how your space needs to be respected and ill try to get it right on my third try.Oh, its hard to explain what you need from me right now? Well, figure it out you can't expect me to read your mind now can you. [all with a kind soft smile] (sorry, i'm a bit bitter today)
All in all what makes the struggle the most difficult for me is no cuddles, no physical affirmation. If I could just get my daily cuddles from someone, I'd be so much more balanced as a person. But now I just gotta act very casual around people while im actually just starving for some affection. (but I learned the hard way that when a 2m guy starts showing he craves for affection, people dodge him even more) Again, sorry for going so dark... not really having my day today... im in a venty mood
NGL, at times I get a fair amount of satisfaction when this happens. Like; welcome to my world darling; do you not know what my face means? OH, that must be terrible. No, I’m not gonna tell unless you ask, and then i’m gonna act like you’re weird for not understanding right away! OH, what was that? did i not respect your space? I’m sorry, just explain to me all the ways how your space needs to be respected and ill try to get it right on my third try.Oh, its hard to explain what you need from me right now? Well, figure it out you can’t expect me to read your mind now can you. [all with a kind soft smile] (sorry, i’m a bit bitter today)
That's okay. I think there's a sense of validation in that experience. Seeing an NT struggle with understanding autistic culture and social interactions is validating of the struggle we experience with NTs. For me, it's not that I find pleasure in their difficulty as if I'm getting a sense of revenge. It's that I can see that there is a difference in our neurological design, so we both have to work harder to interact. Autistic people just happen to be the minority in a society designed for NTs, so we have more difficulties.
All in all what makes the struggle the most difficult for me is no cuddles, no physical affirmation. If I could just get my daily cuddles from someone, I’d be so much more balanced as a person. But now I just gotta act very casual around people while im actually just starving for some affection.
DUDEEE! I am the same way. I just need that physical affection and I'm good. It's not that I want romantic or sexual attention. That would be nice, but not the point. There's just something about cuddling and physical touch that seems to be a necessity for my mental well-being. I just need to be held, squeezed, or caressed regularly. It's one of the reasons I like dancing as a hobby. There's a lot of physical touch and interaction that helps me meet that need in an appropriate manner. Here's a relevant meme you might appreciate:
Me and my ex used to get into terrible fights, but even when we were mad at each other, as long as she was touching me, I was ok.
Again, sorry for going so dark… not really having my day today… im in a venty mood
I don't think you need to apologize. That's what this community is here for: to support each other. ❤️
yooo, these messages mean a lot to me. This hasn't been the easiest week, and the.. well... everything of it means a lot. Ill try to get back to this with a more elaborate reply when I do have the space and mental capacity <3
It's nice to have a place where people understand you, right?! Get back to me whenever. There's no hurry 👍
Why am I not allowed to throw people?
I wish you luck finding this answer.
I'm unfortunate enough to be in both camps, depending on the situation... and find myself in the wrong one every single time.
I have the beliefs of person #1, and the abilities of person #2.
I didn't even know that the 1st kind existed, until now.
I'm gaining on 60yo.
Damn.
Most of the time I‘m number 2. I am blissfully unaware of anything.
I'm both, in my job I'm mainly no. 2, while in my private life I'm a pain in the ass with mainly no. 1.
The only subtext is sexual euphemisms. 🍆💦
And then you're one of the ace-spec Autistics so you're walking around in a massive conspiracy that all everyone wants is sex and society is nothing but sex and you're the last bastion of humanity that can actually think without using their genitals /hj
Why'd you end that with a handjob?
And then there am I where the two modi work in hourly shifts.
I am slowly transitioning from the first one to the second. Life is too short for the first and I have decided it is the responsibility of the person expressing his/her thoughts to try to be as clear as possible rather than leaving subtle clues here and there. fuck that shit
When I reach level 2 I feel like I've ascended, but I often get stuck on 1.