this post was submitted on 17 Aug 2023
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Not The Onion

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  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

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[–] ApathyTree@lemmy.dbzer0.com 85 points 1 year ago (3 children)

If Donald Trump goes to prison, he would likely go to a federal prison. Conjugal visits are not a federal right, so Trump would not enjoy conjugal visits with Melania.

She wouldn’t enjoy them either.

[–] Nougat@kbin.social 13 points 1 year ago (3 children)

When Donald Trump goes to prison, he'll likely be held in a federal military facility.

[–] ares35@kbin.social 7 points 1 year ago

ship him off to gitmo. keep him 'safe' and away from the public and media.

[–] Chickenstalker@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Strip him of his citizenship and dump him at the Mexican border. Do it.

[–] n3m37h@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 points 1 year ago

What so he can climb that wall? Please record it

[–] over_clox@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Military? You spelled Mental wrong..

[–] tacosplease@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago

You both spelled "his house" wrong. If he lives long enough to see the end of a trial he'll get house arrest for who knows what reason.

[–] FartsWithAnAccent@lemmy.world 12 points 1 year ago
[–] postmateDumbass@lemmy.world 8 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (2 children)
[–] JackiesFridge@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago

With him? Probably never has.

[–] snausagesinablanket@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

She ain’t ~~coming.~~ cumming

[–] postmateDumbass@lemmy.world 0 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Only took you 5 days to get the joke?

[–] snausagesinablanket@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I am not here 24x7 like you.

[–] postmateDumbass@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Only until i take my own life 👍

[–] snausagesinablanket@lemmy.world -1 points 1 year ago

You could try online yoga instead.

[–] bemenaker@lemmy.world 70 points 1 year ago (2 children)
[–] Badgernomics@lemmy.world 31 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I think the divorce papers would be delivered shortly after the verdict...

[–] WarmSoda@lemm.ee 30 points 1 year ago (2 children)

People have been saying that since before he got elected. She's just as bad as he is though. She's not some innocent bride caught up in a bad situation. I'd expect her to coordinate things for him outside of jail, if he even goes.

[–] bemenaker@lemmy.world 25 points 1 year ago

She supposedly was able to tear up her pre-nuptial after the stormy Davis outing and get a new far better one. She has rarely spent any time with trump since. She has been recorded swatting his hand away when he tried to grab hers as the disembarked from air Force one on official visits.

She knows she is going to get paid. She seems to want to have nothing to do with him. She hasn't run anything of theirs, and she won't start now.

[–] yenahmik@lemmy.world 14 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I doubt she'd do anything for him once he's in jail. It's no secret that she is only with him for his money. If he's in jail, she is free to do anything she wants and has, theoretically, full control over the money. For her it's the second best case scenario (with the best case being that he dies and she inherits everything).

[–] kescusay@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago

She'd quickly find out his debts vastly exceed his wealth.

[–] AFKBRBChocolate@lemmy.world 12 points 1 year ago

None of us know what their relationship actually is, but it seems like it would depend on the paycheck.

There have been presidents and first ladies who seemed to be deeply in love. The Trumps were not among them

[–] SkybreakerEngineer@lemmy.world 44 points 1 year ago (1 children)
[–] Mr_Blott@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago

See I've no idea which Trump is which so I thought this was The Onion and that's his daughter

[–] FartsWithAnAccent@lemmy.world 18 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Hah, she won't visit him at all plus I doubt he even gets conjugal visits from his wife as a free man.

[–] skellener@kbin.social 14 points 1 year ago

SHE won’t allow it!

[–] Bluefalcon@discuss.tchncs.de 14 points 1 year ago

Lol she ain't seeing his fat ass if he goes to jail. Hell, he would probably ask for Ivanka to cum see him.

Melania's response to the headline: "I really don't care, do u?"

[–] pizzaiolo@slrpnk.net 7 points 1 year ago

Scary thought of the week

[–] jkmooney@kbin.social 7 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (3 children)

That has got to be the weirdest effing story angle..... I mean, somebody went to a publisher, pitched that headline, and they responded with "Run with it".........

[–] xuniL@lemmy.dbzer0.com 4 points 1 year ago

I don't think many news sites nowadays care about publishing actual meaningful news articles

[–] BigMcLargeHuge@mstdn.social 4 points 1 year ago

@jkmooney @Jordan117

There is so much stupid in "news" these days, this didn't even stand out to me.

What a timeline to live in.. :|

[–] ares35@kbin.social 3 points 1 year ago

well, look at the source of the article.... makes you wonder what the editors didn't approve.

[–] WolfyGamer29@lemmy.world 5 points 1 year ago

I have a hard time imagining she would want them...

I'm surprised she stayed with it this long!

[–] Daft_ish@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago

Donald: omg thank God you're here! I've needed this so much.

Melania: drops pants

Donald: I can't wait any longer

Melania: removes diet coke can from between her legs

[–] EpsilonVonVehron@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

The Mar-a-Lago pool cleaner will be getting his bonus on the regular.