People tweeting stuff. We allow tweets from anyone.
RULES:
This quote by TheReturnOfPEB@reddthat.com is a good thing to keep in mind. I'm not going to lock it because it genuinely seems to be helping some people. I'm getting reports though, so remember to be excellent to each other please.
this comment section is a memorial of injured experiences.
tread carefully.
Edit: fixed author's username.
I've been scrolling the comments on this post for a while (longer than I should) and just want to say it is one of the most refreshing collective displays of thoughtfulness and empathy I have read online in far too long. Even the back-and-forwards where people disagree on details or semantics are still overwhelmingly positive, insightful, and respectable on all sides. Another comment here used a brilliant term "merciless insincerity", and personally I've been leaning in a dangerously cynical direction lately about its prevalence. Although I know I am old & resilient enough to not let it capsize me I despise when so much lowest-common-denominator thinking hardens my shell and wallpapers a layer of apathy over who I really am (the angry-yet-optimistic teenager from the 80s/90s who screamed into the void about the climate-emergency, the corrosion of democracy by short-term vote-winning & fundraising, and - more relevantly - the toxicifying impact men and women have had on society - at interpersonal, familial, regional, national, and international scales - by regurgitating thoughtless archetypes and flagwaving in lieu of questioning reality from a fearless standpoint of "open-minded but critical, optimistic but sceptical, confident but fallibilistic". Discussions like these are some of the very few bastions of antidote left for that cynicism and apathy. What blows my mind is that it is apparent a nontrivial proportion of you who are young (well, much younger than me) are introspecting and expressing yourselves about the subject better than I ever could. When I see the flood of toxic (and idiotically childish) nonsense almost everywhere else, discussions like these truly help bolster a dangerously scarce resource called "hope for the future", and reinforces for me why about 99.9℅ of my "social online reading" time is spent on Lemmy lately. Gandhi said "be the change you wish to see in the world", and it's worth considering that what you are all writing here is a good example of you doing exactly that (even if you hadn't realised or intended). It adds up, when groups of people give each other the chance to be truly unafraid (instead of "playing tough" - which merely broadcasts how truly afraid someone really is).
Could use some paragraph markers, but otherwise beautifully well put. Glad this is up top right now. Makes me excited to read the rest of the thread.
This sort of situation is how I knew my wife was/is a keeper. When I was pushed to the point where my negative emotions got too much, she was there for me. She didn't shy away, but stepped in to help and support me.
In many of my previous relationships, showing negative emotions was lethal to their feelings. I could be happy, or stoic, but never upset or depressed.
On a side note, I had a chat with a trans friend once, regarding emotions. When they transitioned, the intensity of their emotions didn't change much. However, their ability to contain them plummeted. Basically, men and women feel emotions similarly. Men are just a lot more able to bottle them up.
I'm trans and, until I started HRT, had very little access to my emotions. I would desperately want to cry, and just would be unable. Or I would know I was supposed to be having some kind of emotional reaction to something, and just...wouldn't.
Very very soon after getting my hormones straightened out, I discovered that I was having emotions in sympathy with characters on tv or in movies. If I was sad I could actually cry for a bit and process the emotion rather than having to channel it into anger or physicality. It was like living in color instead of black and white, this whole arena of human experience I'd read about but hadn't ever really felt.
I've heard the same from trans guys as well; they didn't ever feel like their emotions made sense until they got on T.
My now-ex reacted to this, first with concern, then with contempt.
This is very interesting to me.
As a cis male, I do have trouble accessing emotions sometimes.
However movies and music can give me overwhelming emotions. I start crying from the smallest wholesome moments in anime and movies.
There are times in life I wish I could, so I sometimes use music as a tool to trigger the response in myself just so I can get the emotions out and processed.
Art for catharsis. 👍🏻
I'm a cis guy and I also struggle with expressing my emotions, but I think that it's more of a cultural thing. Like I'm not really "allowed" to cry from watching a TV show and it's difficult to shake it off even when I'm alone.
I've learned to free my emotions a lot more by studying Acting (by, for a few years, doing short acting courses as an adult whilst living in London): it turns out modern acting techniques - the stuff that roughly falls under the Method Acting umbrella - are all about feeling truthfully as if you were indeed that character you're playing living that specific situation, so essentially I had a pretty much judgment free (in terms of other people judging you) license to let myself go and fully feel and show it (as that "person" which was the character in that situation).
Curiously it also unlocked my empathy (which turns out to be so high I'll literally yawn from seeing animals yawn) though I'm not sure if my blocking of most of my Empathy until then was due to social expectations on how men are supposed to behave or a childhood self-defense mechanism due to one of my parents being VERY intense and emotionally selfish (it makes sense I would block it merely not to constaly be overwhelmed by somebody else's rollercoaster of emotions).
All this even though I'm Portuguese and thus grew up in a culture were people are very expressive (compared to what I saw living in both Northern European and Anglo-Saxon countries, so think something like Italians), and all that expressiveness is backed by actual emotion (people really are enthusiastic or angry or saddened by what the other person telling you their story went through), though I would say that the range of emotions men are socially expected to express is limited to mainly positive emotional states or anger-related emotions.
Anyways, just my 2c as I think it's an unusual point of view and maybe food for thought.
PS: One of the things I learned in Acting is that not only does your body follow your mind but also your mind follows your body (really: if you have any ability for introspection try walking with a confident walk and see how it makes you feel. Then try a downtrodden walk or a fearful walk) which kind dovetails with the whole idea that if you're not expected to show certain kinds of emotional states you end up not feeling such emotions in day to day (except when you're overwhelmed by it and it hits you like a ton of bricks).
I had that too. When you're a cis male adult you've had decades of social conditioning telling you that's not allowed. I'm gay but being born in Spain I was brought up in a traditional macho culture. I'd "pass" except for those with the most finely tuned gaydar, not because I tried hiding it by the time I realised but because I was conditioned to fit in the straight cis male behaviour box.
It took me a few years of unlearning trying to shake it off myself and what helped most, a loving partner who is in tune with his emotions. I have gotten immensely better at understanding and expressing my emotions, verbally or otherwise, and also doing that without channelling them into "proxy" emotions that are acceptable for macho expectations and culture.
There's a great book called The Tao of Fully Feeling that helped me a ton with this.
Super socially awkward and anxious in middle school and high school and was also bullied a ton. Girls would ask me out as a joke, and there's no good response. If you say yes you're a dumbass for thinking they're actually interested in you, if you say no you're gay and should kill yourself. Combined with being an impressionable teen with incredibly negative self esteem on reddit at a time where something along the lines of all men are rapists was a common sentiment, it really honestly fucked me up. I still am not comfortable with romance and intimacy with women to be honest.
Female bullying culture is very cruel.
Children are just cruel in general. I have a giant scar on my stomach from an appendectomy gone very wrong and I used to get made fun of for it in the locker room. They called it my C section scar.
in middle school, a girl in my grade died at summer band camp from a bee sting….
a group of girls called me to tell me she wanted to be her boyfriend. i declined, as it wasn’t the first time i had the joke girlfriend trick played on me…
but i guess the prank was, i was supposed to say yes, then be heartbroken when i found out she was dead…
instead i was heartbroken that anyone would try to do that to anyone.
That's horrifically fucked up. Children really do be out there causing misery for nothing, huh..
this comment section is a memorial of injured experiences.
tread carefully.
I'll add to the trauma dump I suppose
Got married in August 2018, the beginning of the next month my dad died of cancer. Obviously I was mourning him and was in a shitty place, my then wife took that as me not being active enough in our relationship and decided to start cheating on me with multiple guys. Once I found out and called her out on it, and also subsequently kicked her out all of a sudden I was the bad guy. I can't even imagine the mental gymnastics she was hopping through to think that was justified.
Anyway I've moved across the country since then and have met who I believe is my soulmate, and things are amazing with her. Just had to go through sewers to find my green pasture I suppose
A few years ago I was struggling with body image and was starting to feel worthless and invisible in my marriage. When I tried expressing these feelings to my wife (really just trying to make an emotional connection) her response was curt and to the point: "You don't have body image issues. I'm the one struggling with my weight."
And that was it. I've never felt more alone in my life.
I decided to end a relationship and marriage, after being together for 13 years. For the first time in years I put myself first and realised that I needed to be out of the relationship. Coming out of this has been very difficult and I've been struggling with my mental health since.
I started dating again, and have had two horrible experiences where my feelings were just put aside and it really hurt. Both of which ended up with the relationship ending. It's like I'm not allowed to have feelings or struggle. 😞
Similar story here. 21 years and there's a child involved. Even similar 2 instances of dating that involved not being allowed to express my feelings without risking the relationship. So I did and ended both relationships. It would be nice if there was a choice that isn't hard. The only choice we seem to have is which hard we want. Both of which isn't a great ending. I've since given up dating altogether. Resigned to the fact that that part of my life is over. Just being a good and present parent, being nice and helpful to everyone in my life. I don't want to go through life alone but I don't seem to have a choice in that without being a doormat for someone else, which I refuse to do because if I did, I'd be showing my child to put up with never getting what you need from a relationship and that it's normal. I can't do that.
I'm sorry to hear that man. Dating after a long relationship is so hard, but I do hope you come across someone kind who appreciates you for who you are, emotions/feelings and all.
I can't imagine how hard it must be to go through this with a child too, but you sound like a good father.
I fear that I am in a situation that may end the same.
If you're comfortable sharing, was there an epiphany you had that had you bite the bullet and break away?
Honestly, I had been ready to leave for a long time, and I had been caring for them almost 24/7 for years. The main reason I hadn't left was that I was concerned that they'd end their life. There were many reasons why I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore, health aside.
There was an attempt to take their own life and I realised I had no emotion and honestly felt like it would have been easier if they didn't make it. My brother realised something was wrong so came to see me and it all came out. The next day I was trying to just go on like normal but couldn't, something just snapped. She went to stay with her mum and I had time to think and confirm how I felt. This last part was probably the most important, as it was vital to make sure I didn't regret the decision.
My advice would be: be honest, say you need time to think, give yourself the time and space, make sure it's right for you and if so, leave. If they don't give you the chance to think, then I'd say you have your answer. That's much easier said than done however.
"Why are men in general so emotionally constipated? omg stop crying like a pussy; we just asked a question!" - the patriarchy, oppressing us all
I went through the worst depression of my life around 2017, tried to express these feelings to my gf at the time and explain why our romance was failing or why I spent half the day in bed.
Basically got told "poor you", everyone has struggles, snap out of it and be a man. That definitely helped, and didn't push me even deeper into feelings of worthlessness..
I'm doing ok now, but it was the first time I felt comfortable enough with someone to express those emotions, I was at my wits end. The response was eye opening, never again.
I don't know if I want to blame the patriarchy or the toxic masculinity that goes with it, but crap. My ex was so not ok when I cried over the discovery of her affair.
She genuinely thought I was trying to manipulate her. I was "too extremely emotional" over it. We were highschool sweethearts, had a kid, and she always talked about how she was disgusted with her own mother for having an affair. Even to the point where she cut off contact with her mother until they ended that relationship.
"No man goes to bed crying because their wife cheated on them or sends nudes to the same guy 4 years later."
There were red flags earlier than that. "Why are you crying over a movie?" (I always do at emotional bits). "Man up, no one wants to be with someone expresses sadness."
What's worse is that it's pretty much why I don't bother going out, or have much motivation to get back into the dating game. The patriarchy and toxic masculinity has ruined being human to me. I don't want to be friends with people who cover up all their emotions. I don't want to be friends with guys who are clearly over compensating. Then the girls turn around complain about these men being cruel to them, yet state things like this.
Then you have all the men who have this strange belief that they are owed women, and by behaving like that they get the women they are owed. I won't take part in that. I will not hurt someone else just to satisfy my desires. If that means I don't date, I'm much more comfortable being a good person and alone.
I also try to bring it up in conversation, and then people turn around and act like my refusal to participate in patriarchal behavior is anti-social. I had one person point out "technically, you aren't getting any, even though you want it, making you an incel." I was so shocked. Its not the fault of women I'm not out getting laid. Its men. It's the patriarchy. It's this system set up to isolate me because I have an intense emotional awareness.
I'm still surprised people use the old definition of "incel" considering that the connotations changed to "radical misogynist" or "terrorist" in the eyes of the mainstream nowadays. Personally I wouldn't be caught dead using the term to describe anyone who simply doesn't get laid. In 2013 it would be fine but nowadays it's almost slanderous.
