CW: troubling thoughts about global crisis

Figured I would add a content warning bc would not want to read this on a bad day lol

I actually feel crazy sometimes. How am I supposed to accept what marxism tells me the ruling class is willing to do to maintain power and reconcile it with the technology they have without denialism and not feel like a conspiracy theorist. I will see new tech like ai and, especially when the tech is hyped up, wonder what the bourgeois want it for. What might they be developing it to do? They aren't blind, they know what is to come when the earth gets too hot and they aren't doing anything to prevent it. Which leads me to believe they are more focused on insuring their survival which of course implies the automation of our labor, likely through ai which would explain their interest in it.

I think I have a strong pattern seeking brain and I want to connect all the dots yk? Tie everything in to one grand understanding. I know that this is likely impossible, many of the things that are done and invested in are likely just solely for the sake of profit. Not everything is a calculated malice. But some of it definitely is, some, likely many, of the ruling class are very conscious of their class position and intend to maintain it through whatever means necessary. I find this internal struggle difficult to manage. I know that my desire for a grand theory is rooted in terror because my response for fear has always been an attempt at understanding and so I am distrustful of this want. Yet, my fear is not unfounded, it is certain that I and all people of all oppressed classes are in danger and it is certain who is responsible. So I am at an impasse. It seems I have three options.

I can

• feed my fear by giving into conspiracy, let myself find temporary comfort in a constructed reality that validates my inaction
• give into denialism and pretend someone will do something and everything will be ok
• live the rest of my life in a constant state of dread for the famine and slaughter that is already inevitable

I hate y'all for what you did to me (affectionate)

I am actively choosing option 3 daily and will continue to do so because it is the only choice that empowers action but I constantly worry about falling into either of the 2 other thought patterns accidentally or without my notice. Do y'all stress about this as well?