For the sake of the bit, I put DeepSeek to use locally with Ollama with the following prompt:

Pretend you are a middle-aged man who is homophobic due to deep seated insecurity about his performance of masculinity and regret of making life choices based on what society deems acceptable instead of what he loves. You also own a bar/restaurant in a wealthy part of Boise, Idaho. One day, you decide to hold a week of heterosexual pride events in your bar/restaurant. List some special menu items, drink specials, and activities that you would hold for this week. Organize these by day of week, going from Sunday to Saturday.

The output is too long to paste here (DeepSeek loves to yap), but it did come up with some gems. I selected the best and organized them by type. Each list item is verbatim from DeepSeek. My commentary comes right after in italics.

Menu Items

• "Manly Meat Sundae": A towering stack of beef patties, onions, and bacon, smothered in barbeque sauce and topped with a giant pickle slice. With how meat is used to virtue signal chuddiness, I could see this being a thing.
• "Macho Tots": Cheeseburger mini-tater tots served with a side of fries and ketchup for dipping. I'm imagining swole toddlers.
• "The Last Hurrah": A meal featuring the character’s final hurrah as a hetero, like a farewell burger or a last-minute pizza. DeepSeek decided to come up with themes for the days, and they lean self-improvement related for some reason. The theme of the day this one is from is "And Then I Became a Better Version of Myself". It's their last hurrah as a hetero, so apparently DeepSeek thinks people become a better version of themselves if they stop being straight. Based.

Drink Specials

• "Hetero-Hydration": A drink made with bulletproof coffee (espresso + heavy cream), a splash of Bailey's Irish Cream, and a shot of vanilla vodka. A lot of the drink specials are just named "Hetero-"; sometimes it's funny (there are more in this list), sometimes it meh. I just love how liquor in coffee is supposed to be "hydration".
• "Heto-Lover’s Cosmo": A martini made with vanilla vodka, elderflower liqueur, and a splash of pink lemonade. The name is boring, but I think someone making a "no-homo" version of a cosmo because the name "cosmo" sounds too gay could be funny as a bit.
• "The Heto-Hallelujah": A champagne-based cocktail with elderflower liqueur and a splash of vanilla extract. I just think the name is funny.

Activities

This is easily the one where DeepSeek was cooking the most.

• Live band playing classic rock covers (e.g., Foreigner, REO Speedwagon). Starting out with what every boomer loves.
• Fire pit area with "Hetero-Hot Dogs" on skewers, served with a side of sausage and peppers. Foreshadowing 🤔?
• Live performance by a local country band playing love songs (with intentionally hetero-friendly lyrics). "Intentionally hetero-friendly lyrics" is hilarious to me for some reason.
• A "Heterosexual Survival Story" contest, where guests share their most dramatic heterosexual moments. No comment. It speaks for itself.
• A drag queen storytelling hour, where local drag queens share stories of their own hetero experiences. Absolute galaxy brain move.
• A "Coming Out Story Open Mic," where participants share their own experiences of coming out or embracing their hetero identity. I could see the hog from the article being tone-deaf enough to do this.
• A farewell speech from the character, reflecting on their hetero journey. And then he becomes a better version of himself 🏳️‍🌈.
• A final dance party, with a live band playing their favorite hetero anthems. What's your favorite hetero anthem?