I dislike learning about local news through this website, it's never anything good.
this post was submitted on 23 Apr 2025
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"where's MY parade??"
(proceeds to make the totally most awesome festival ever seen, in Iowa, with beers! and a knockoff kid rock! at least with stock photos of those things!)
I’m gonna show up and whip my dick out
This will have gone from a shitty theme month at some bar to a political rally with a petting zoo in front of the Idaho state capitol in less than a year with no publicly available information about sponsors or donation numbers. A letter from the IRS confirming their status as a 501C3 public charity is dated to January of this year. Now I'm not exactly sure how that all works but 5ish months to get major donors on board seems like a tall order. Their special guests appear to be reactionary twitter guys.
Not exactly confidence inspiring.
My bet is this is going to be DashCon for queerphobes and a total sausagefest.
I am anti-family noise and I will obliterate heterosexuality.
AI-generated ass blurb
hey, a red-blooded cishet american would definitely say "bringing the heat with ... bold wines"
brb making a memecoin to pump and ~~dump~~ creampie for the real breeders out there.
Is this another Brandon Navom special? He dodging his arson charges in MA?
Seems odd the only picture of people together appears to be 2 women. Still think it's gotta be a bit
Oh my god can they fucking grow up?
And who the fuck are these pompous assholes to talk down to anyone? All of them are just washed up “cool kids” still clinging on to their glory days.
#StraightWhiteMaleLivesMatter
#IrishBoyMagic
They claim they aren't a "limp-wristed woke fest" yet their graphic designer is the most limp wristed person in existence. So bland, so generic. I suppose this is what "cissy pride" does offer though, everything will be bland and white.
I just hope their musicians play some songs claiming to be about "straight pride" and then play stuff by like, David Bowie or Freddie Mercury or someone. Always hilarious when they do that.
If they went hard with the straightness they probably would've gone full swastikas on the website and program RAC/NSBM bands
What up! We're some awesome guys looking for other cool guys who want to hang out in our party state! Nothing Sexual. Dudes in good shape encouraged, but if you're fat, we expect you to find humour in the little things. Nothing Sexual
Have fun are the most boring parade/event imaginable. Every time there's a hetero parade it is usually just filled with sad lonely men.
This feels 15 or so years late.
We’re backsliding into the bush years (but slightly more belligerent)
cishets are so fragile, cant go a single june without some whiny shit like this
Damn I was hoping this would just be a festival for straight dudes rocking, totally straight guys just hanging with other totally straight guys and doing straight guy stuff like making ou... I mean, lifting!
It's not gay bro, Dr Mike said smooches between sets improve your recovery time. We're just doing it for the gains, bro
Oh yeah, Dr Mike also told me about an all natural protein supplement!
Only the biggest of freaks would attend this to celebrate being straight lmao the rest will just go because they see festivities and it’s something to do
If it wasn't for the link I'd genuinely be convinced this was a bit. I genuinely guffawed at their attempt to both punch up and bury the dull conservative-value lectures in the middle as "expect riveting speeches that'll wake the dead". 
you ever read a grift then get mad you didn't do it first?
...yah
One thing though, we aren't mad. Please do not let the papers say that we are mad.
GOT A BEER IN MY BEER AND A CHEVY IN MY TRUCK
GOT A DOG AT THE WHEEL, CUT-OFF JEANS, TRUCK
AMAN HAWSS IM CRANKIN MUH HAWG
HAWG: CRANKED.
LIBUHRALS: OWNED
TELL. DEBORAH AND THE KiDS . .THAT I SAY HI
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https://vimeo.com/1076714765/daa7740d3d
This is the ad. Some boomer bar owner yapping. He says that it's June and he wanted to celebrate his daughter's birthday but he can't because he's afraid to go downtown because of Pride events. He then asks the question "What if we celebrated god's design for sexuality?" on my daughter's birthday.
Then he starts yapping about selling promotional alcohol at his bar. He says "Mondays are Beers for Breeders, males who are breeders" "Thursdays are Happy Hour for Hers" and "Wednesdays are for couples, 15% of bills of couples".
This is like a Tim & Eric skit.
The bar has a podcast. Some titles...
"The Nefarious Vaccine Agenda" - With Dr. Penick
NASA Lies With Austin Whitsitt
Flat Earth 101 With Austin Whitsitt
Inevitability of Christian Nationalism With Gabriel Ranch
Inevitability of Christian Nationalism
......aaaaaaaand there it is. Just nazis doing nazi shit.
We need to focus on creampie/breeding fetishes, just like God intended.
I mean, god did kill a guy for pulling out so I guess it tracks
Mondays are Beers for Breeders, males who are breeders
Babe, are you okay? You've barely even touched your beer for breeders.
it hurts that I will never in my entire life come up with something as funny as "Mondays are Beers for Breeders"
He says "Mondays are Beers for Breeders, males who are breeders"
What if you're infertile or had a vasectomy or whatever? Are you supposed to crank out a sample to prove you're a "male breeder"?
There's a clip in the video where he speaks into a microphone at the bar "Alright. Welcome Everybody to Heterosexual Male Monday! Are there any heterosexuals here tonight?" The patrons cheer. There's a gadsen flag on the wall. It's unclear whether he collected sperm samples from the patrons.
Like fucking clockwork, it’s always the hetero men that have all the masculine energy of a cockapoo puppy that scream the loudest about having “guts” and not being “limp-wristed” and forming “Battle Lines” (who knows why he decided to capitalize that part).
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Look at the color of the buttons on the bottom right. Subtle Azov op
Imagine hating someone so much, you equate acknowledging their existence to an existential threat
killer food
C'monnnn bird flu!
I wanted to say this is the Imagine Dragons of art festivals but that's too mean to Imagine Dragons
"Chat-gpt, write me a description of my anti-woke heterosexuality fest event while being hip and high energy"
"Also include suggestions for what people would do while they're there"
"What are other events to do during a heterosexual pride fest"
"Please list more suggestions"
For the sake of the bit, I put DeepSeek to use locally with Ollama with the following prompt:
Pretend you are a middle-aged man who is homophobic due to deep seated insecurity about his performance of masculinity and regret of making life choices based on what society deems acceptable instead of what he loves. You also own a bar/restaurant in a wealthy part of Boise, Idaho. One day, you decide to hold a week of heterosexual pride events in your bar/restaurant. List some special menu items, drink specials, and activities that you would hold for this week. Organize these by day of week, going from Sunday to Saturday.
The output is too long to paste here (DeepSeek loves to yap), but it did come up with some gems. I selected the best and organized them by type. Each list item is verbatim from DeepSeek. My commentary comes right after in italics.
Menu Items
- "Manly Meat Sundae": A towering stack of beef patties, onions, and bacon, smothered in barbeque sauce and topped with a giant pickle slice. With how meat is used to virtue signal chuddiness, I could see this being a thing.
- "Macho Tots": Cheeseburger mini-tater tots served with a side of fries and ketchup for dipping. I'm imagining swole toddlers.
- "The Last Hurrah": A meal featuring the character’s final hurrah as a hetero, like a farewell burger or a last-minute pizza. DeepSeek decided to come up with themes for the days, and they lean self-improvement related for some reason. The theme of the day this one is from is "And Then I Became a Better Version of Myself". It's their last hurrah as a hetero, so apparently DeepSeek thinks people become a better version of themselves if they stop being straight. Based.
Drink Specials
- "Hetero-Hydration": A drink made with bulletproof coffee (espresso + heavy cream), a splash of Bailey's Irish Cream, and a shot of vanilla vodka. A lot of the drink specials are just named "Hetero-"; sometimes it's funny (there are more in this list), sometimes it meh. I just love how liquor in coffee is supposed to be "hydration".
- "Heto-Lover’s Cosmo": A martini made with vanilla vodka, elderflower liqueur, and a splash of pink lemonade. The name is boring, but I think someone making a "no-homo" version of a cosmo because the name "cosmo" sounds too gay could be funny as a bit.
- "The Heto-Hallelujah": A champagne-based cocktail with elderflower liqueur and a splash of vanilla extract. I just think the name is funny.
Activities
This is easily the one where DeepSeek was cooking the most.
- Live band playing classic rock covers (e.g., Foreigner, REO Speedwagon). Starting out with what every boomer loves.
- Fire pit area with "Hetero-Hot Dogs" on skewers, served with a side of sausage and peppers. Foreshadowing 🤔?
- Live performance by a local country band playing love songs (with intentionally hetero-friendly lyrics). "Intentionally hetero-friendly lyrics" is hilarious to me for some reason.
- A "Heterosexual Survival Story" contest, where guests share their most dramatic heterosexual moments. No comment. It speaks for itself.
- A drag queen storytelling hour, where local drag queens share stories of their own hetero experiences. Absolute galaxy brain move.
- A "Coming Out Story Open Mic," where participants share their own experiences of coming out or embracing their hetero identity. I could see the hog from the article being tone-deaf enough to do this.
- A farewell speech from the character, reflecting on their hetero journey. And then he becomes a better version of himself 🏳️🌈.
- A final dance party, with a live band playing their favorite hetero anthems. What's your favorite hetero anthem?
From what i remember, bulletproof coffee is even worse. It's pourover mixed with kerrygold butter.
Hot garbage tip: "Heto" should be pronounced to rhyme with "keto"
I couldn't find a listing of the artists, who's going to be there besides kid rock?
The straights are definitely not OK.
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