Transfem

Yes, in the absence of awareness of your situation, I make various assumptions or guesses about the situation. I had considered that your partner never asked you to not transition, but what happens I think is that all the other conversations I've had with people whose situation seemed similar to yours get conflated or generalized, and so I respond as though you are one of the many others.

This is of course a gloss, and that is unfair to you since it makes assumptions that aren't true and aren't relevant.

At some point I think I was aware of the irrelevance of my words to you and your situation - or at least aware of the likelihood of that.

I think this is part of why I said things like if I put myself in the shoes of your partner and imagined even if not asking just knowing I was a reason for someone not transitioning - it's not that I absolutely ignored that possibility, I just didn't know whether it was the most likely possibility.

So yes, assumptions were made - but part of that is because I don't wish to pry or confront, to engage directly on your circumstances is not my goal, instead I just react to what you have disclosed so that I'm being transparent about my own hang-ups, faults, reactions, and so on - partially because I think I want this feedback from you about how to be better, and for that you need to see how I'm thinking in the first place.

You are absolutely right that I made bad assumptions, and I'm sorry for that. The assumption that your partner asked you not to transition was never so "solid" or sure on my end, but I can see how it comes across that I'm thinking it anyway.

I also think there was some conflation of medical vs social transition, but this was again just a generalization or a gloss, handling each separately didn't occur to me as much in that situation, and maybe generally, for various reasons. To be honest, I think even if we split the two and talk about "social transition" and "medical transition", we are still glossing and generalizing. To be honest a lot of this is just about the economy of language and thought, I am happy to be super narrow in my concepts but I think it can be tedious to read, and overly verbose - two things I already skew towards in my writing. Not every trans person has the same "medical transition", for example, so often when I'm talking about "transition" in this context, I'm really talking about the (offensively assumed) "missing component" of HRT, even though the term otherwise implies much more (even HRT itself can designate different things, and depending on the route of administration and the dose, HRT can have dramatically different results for people and mean different things for people).

So, to continue in my thought-transparency (sorry, maybe this is not useful to you), I socially transitioned before I medically transitioned, and my own experiences certainly skew the way I think - particularly what I experienced was that social transition made my life worse in many ways and maybe wasn't the best choice, while HRT was life-saving. Truly, HRT was the most clinically relevant component of the whole transition experience as far as I can tell. Social transition for me was just a way to force myself out of the closet and prevent further refusal to transition.

In many cases of my friends who have medically transitioned the decision to medically transition was ultimately a lot less difficult than the decision to socially transition because by the time they got there they’d already experienced bigotry and yes, their lives have gotten markedly better since…

So this is pretty much my perspective too, in conflating social and medical transition I think the challenges of social transition were generalized and put together with medical transition.. So of course I agree with you on everything. Surgeries can be quite painful and difficult to get through, but at the very least I think HRT is quite wonderful, and makes life easier and better. That's the fundamental point I'm trying to get across here: it's so great, you and every other trans person should at least try it to verify whether it's also a life-saving medication or not. And again, that mindset is built on the empirical evidence we have that not doing it results in worse health outcomes and deaths while doing it alleviates those risks.

But they also do not pity me and that is the tone of what you give off here (particularly in quoting a book about a womam dealing with religious trauma and internalized homophobia) the sense that you aren’t simply empathizing or sympathizing with the aspects of my choices which are difficult but that you veiw those choices as harmful or misguided.

Oh, I didn't feel pity at all, lol - sorry, maybe that would have made sense, but you just don't know me and it makes sense you wouldn't understand. I think what I'm feeling is maybe a connection to my pre-transition self and all the sacrifices they made, basically I haven't really accepted being trans and I'm still occupying a mindset of believing what I've done is selfish and wrong, and so I basically glorify your choice to sacrifice for your partner by not medically transitioning (note here I'm making more assumptions, I have no idea if you have taken medical transition steps, maybe you just haven't had surgeries but you've been on HRT and this whole conversation is just me making really dumb assumptions). I don't feel sorry for you, I feel envious - I spent a lot of my life being "good" the way you are now, making that kind of huge sacrifice and carrying that burden. In all my self-loathing and guilt, I think I miss that - my fucked up psychology seems to feel it's much better to be a martyr than to engage in self-care. The change in that perspective has not been complete.

I do think your choice is probably self-harming, but what you miss is that I think this is maybe a good thing still. I can't help but still operate under that old logic, I am skeptical that taking care of myself this way is really justified. That said, I'm pretty sure that's just my desire for punishment and suffering, and it's probably not healthy or good - or even related to you, tbh. Sorry, I really am, I hope by being so transparent I'm helping somehow, but I worry it's just indulgent and wasting your time.

I am glad that you found happiness and comfort in your transistion. It’s obviously a great fit. Maybe rethink your approach to non-binary folx as it seems like you bring a little overmuch of your personal baggage with you.

So, I am confused, I thought this started by talking about how you use non-binary as a quick gloss of your gender, but that seemed to imply your actual identity isn't non-binary, it's just the result of this compromise you have made about transition ... was I mistaken about that?

And yeah, a lot of personal baggage comes up with the trans stuff - I am projecting like crazy, making bad assumptions, etc. but I think the fundamental message still holds. Maybe an awkward analogy would ~~make this interaction so much worse~~ help explain my perspective: imagine someone had cancer throughout their breasts, but the cancer had become dormant. Let's say there is empirical evidence that this situation could result in increased risk of dying early, maybe the body isn't as healthy with the cancer in it, maybe the cancer could come back at some point - the analogy here is the way that the "wrong" hormones in the body cause depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, etc. - it's biochemical, the brain is altered by it. Let's say the dormant cancer messes with the body and mind too, and so you won't have the same energy, happiness, or general well-being unless the breasts and cancer are removed. It's a stretch, but we can imagine it, right? So, what I hear a lot of people saying (not just you, mind you - this is part of what's going on here, I'm interacting with lots of people in marriages who refuse to transition, socially and / or medically), is that their partner really likes their breasts, they are attracted to and attached to their breasts, and if they have their breasts removed it will be devastating to the relationship. Their partner won't be attracted to them anymore and it will spell the end of the relationship. They can't help that their partner is sexually attracted to their breasts, and so they have to choose between keeping the dormant cancer-ridden breasts and the risks and health consequences that come with it, or they can have the surgery and risk losing their relationship.

I just don't find keeping the cancerous breasts a reasonable option, ever. I think the trans issue is actually worse than the cancer, because it has to do with identity and who you are - living as someone else for a relationship is worse than just leaving dormant cancer in the body.

My view is that the only reason we think it's reasonable to keep the cancer is because we have been acculturated to believe it's wrong to transition, that it's a betrayal of the spouse, and that it's not that helpful medically. But that's just not what the empirical evidence shows.

I think this might be my struggle with black & white thinking, there are a few things going on with me. I might also feel like I had to justify my transition and that requires an extreme position, otherwise I have to admit I could have been like the Mennonite and gone the rest of my life without transitioning and I should have just toughed it out.

Anyway, my point is that I'm not trying to apply this to you as much as I'm trying to show my hang-up, I guess I'm hoping for you to complicate my view, to show me why I'm wrong. Maybe you can't do that, maybe it's wrong for me to expect or ask. Either way, that's how I think about this, and nothing you've said makes it make sense.

Of course, on the other hand I completely understand your perspective, that a partner is like your life blood, more important than even your own self. I would do the same.