I'm trying to be better but I'm terrible some days and better others, my willpower day-to-day isn't at all consistent enough to help. I'm always depressed and tired, even when I take my meds and get good sleep.
I love to imagine myself as I would be if I had the willpower and energy to tackle each day. What it would be like to be able to make friends as an adult without having anyone from college, highschool, or childhood. What it would be like if I could go about my day with confidence in my own ability, knowing I can back it up. What it would be like to live in my skin without wanting to scream all the time even when I'm happy. What it would be like if I was enough for myself.
What it would be like if I was just good enough to be okay. I wish I could be okay
How about ya'll?
I know many people are like me in one way or another, and asking if there are is kind of pointless, but I just want to hear from people like me. I don't want to be alone.
But I also know that these things are literally mostly the fault of the banal dystopia wearing down our will to live every day. As well as that despite all this shit you still believe in us, in the potential of humanity, is an act of love so pure that one who feels it cannot be evil. I will not accept your self hatred, you are a good person, just one thats been worn to pieces trying to pull them back together.
I felt the exact same way, but it turned out that I had untreated ADHD which was destroying my life and made me horrifically depressed, lethargic, and despondent. I got medication for and have never felt better.
I devoted my time to my partner, helping at the local homeless shelter, drug clinic, and animal shelter. If I see my actions preforming immediate good changes in my world around me, that brightens my day to no extent. Do you know how incredible it is to have tens of dogs rush you when you go into their playpen at a shelter? Do you know how wholesome it is to help an elderly homeless man acquire housing and rehabilitation, and he considers you a good friend? Its incredible.
I also spend time on my hobbies instead of endlessly scrolling on my phone. Most importantly, I let myself be ignorant sometimes. The world will keep spinning without you, and if you hyperfocus on the horrific aspects of society all the time, it will destroy you. Take time to disconnect and refresh yourself, then jump back into the fray.
Essentially, LESS THINKING MORE DOING. Also if you are able to, please see a psychiatrist and therapist, this is at best something that can be helped with some therapy, or at worst you have some sort of underlying issue that is hurting you, like ADHD In my case. If you are as unmotivated and fatigued as you say, you are either extremely burnt out and need help, or you might also have a neurological condition that is handicapping you silently. A good therapist will also be able to help guide you through the mental roadblocks you're facing regarding things like the friendships and feeling like you can't be ok.
At the end of it all, we are here for you! We're in your corner and we believe in you! You can do it! I've always loved seeing your posts here and you seem like a thoughtful, caring, and insightful person who has so much to offer the world! If you were to go about making them in your life, those are aspects that true friends will cherish.