askchapo

definitely check out the gender dysphoria Bible that was already linked. I had similar questions and also a lot of repressed or dismissed memories. I could write so much about my experience and I probably will at some point here but let me give you a quick list of my experience. Just keep in mind that these experiences are mine, and you may relate to some or you may not. We all have different experiences and reactions to experiences.

• Experiencing euphoria when the other girls would treat me as a normal friend rather than as a boy
• Not understanding how to interact with boys but as puberty started also feeling alienated from girls
• Avoiding the girls I was friends with because I was afraid that my newfound attraction towards them would ruin our friendship once puberty hit.
• Making up alternate realities where I was born a girl and preferring to live that alternate reality than mine.
• Repressing myself to try to fit in as a boy.
• Falling into other groups of boys who didn’t fit in so I could at least fit in as a boy somewhere.
• Naturally forming very close friendships with girls as though we were long lost sisters the few times where I didn’t sabotage myself
• Getting very defensive about my masculinity when it was questioned, even if it was meant in a positive way (felt like I was being “outed” but I didn’t know for what)
• Having respect but also jealousy for other boys who would allow their femininity to show
• Convincing myself that I wasn’t trans when I was learning about queer identities.
• Feeling gay despite being mostly into women and feminine people.
• Loved joking about being a lesbian
• Having more friendships with Women as an adult and enjoying them more.
• Romance with straight women just didn’t feel right.
• Friendships with queer women just naturally happened but those were that ones where is inevitably catch feels that I rarely did for straight women.
• When I did catch feelings for straight women I just knew it wouldn’t work out or be right for me without knowing why.
• The strong desire to be the best possible trans ally and a strong interest in trans issues.
• Incredibly jealousy and happiness for trans women who were living their best lives and happy and beautiful.
• A deep burning hatred for formal men’s wear whenever I felt forced to wear it. Didn’t matter comfy or objectively good I looked.
• Only getting excited to buy or wear clothes that softened my features and hid my masculinity.
• Being topless felt weird
• Always wanting to grow my hair out despite pressure not to

Again, these are all specific to my experience. There may be some common themes that resonate with you but there may not. I hope this helps in some way.