askchapo

The gender dysphoria bible (https://genderdysphoria.fyi/) helped me unpack a lot of the ways I was experiencing dysphoria. Also for me, listening to trans people talk about their experiences was very moving for me. Philosophy Tube's coming out video also really resonated with me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AITRzvm0Xtg, but everyone has their own different experience. It's really sweet, regardless.

Do you feel a disconnect from your body? Do you sometimes feel like you are suprised by your own appearance or existence in some profound way (aka not "oh shit I didn't realize I was so dirty or I had that rash, but like "oh shit that is me?). Do ypu sometimes feel like you are living in 3rd person to the point that in social situations you need to process "wait how should I react?" or "How would a normal person of 'insert gender here' behave?" Do you feel completely alienated from people of your assigned gender in single gender situations to the point you feel like an alien trying to understand them? Do you feel an absence of joy in simply existing? Is life without intense inputs like intense hyperfocus on hobbies or binge eating or extreme activities or drugs/alcohol a flat unbearable Grey. And does all of this ultimately redound to your gendered self and expression?

Edit: Gender dysphoria tends tends to have many comorbid mental health issues because living with it is very traumatic. For example mine expresses itself with extreme anxiety disorder.

well you're here aren't you

Give yourself time, a sign there's maybe more is the fact you are curious/reaching out. You are best taking time to see if you can parse things and it does take time, not everyone experiences the same feelings and has the same experience but note down how you feel during the day or if anything comes through with mulling on the subject. Look around the communities and see if there's stuff that resonates with you. Could even make a folder and save things to it that would help too. Doesn't have to be just about dysphoria it can be random clothes and stuff you'd like to wear and how you'd express yourself etc. Whatever really comes to mind if you think it would help in some way. I'm not that great at chatting but I hope my rambles have given you something to work with at least, good luck c:

I had really intense repression cycles where delving into everything was so overwhelming that it numbed the feelings that were trying to tell me what was wrong. So I’d be really sure I was experiencing dysphoria, then they’d go away and I’d feel “cis” (meaning I wasn’t constantly overwhelmed by dysphoria to the point of not functioning), and then they’d come back. So for me, the answer was that I felt what I felt and labeling those feelings as gender dysphoria was an assertion I had to choose to make. I had to let myself be included in that label. In retrospect I was having very blatant social dysphoria, various types of body dysphoria, and even dysphoria from natural spikes in testosterone. But in the moment before I knew, it was hard to tell.

definitely check out the gender dysphoria Bible that was already linked. I had similar questions and also a lot of repressed or dismissed memories. I could write so much about my experience and I probably will at some point here but let me give you a quick list of my experience. Just keep in mind that these experiences are mine, and you may relate to some or you may not. We all have different experiences and reactions to experiences.

• Experiencing euphoria when the other girls would treat me as a normal friend rather than as a boy
• Not understanding how to interact with boys but as puberty started also feeling alienated from girls
• Avoiding the girls I was friends with because I was afraid that my newfound attraction towards them would ruin our friendship once puberty hit.
• Making up alternate realities where I was born a girl and preferring to live that alternate reality than mine.
• Repressing myself to try to fit in as a boy.
• Falling into other groups of boys who didn’t fit in so I could at least fit in as a boy somewhere.
• Naturally forming very close friendships with girls as though we were long lost sisters the few times where I didn’t sabotage myself
• Getting very defensive about my masculinity when it was questioned, even if it was meant in a positive way (felt like I was being “outed” but I didn’t know for what)
• Having respect but also jealousy for other boys who would allow their femininity to show
• Convincing myself that I wasn’t trans when I was learning about queer identities.
• Feeling gay despite being mostly into women and feminine people.
• Loved joking about being a lesbian
• Having more friendships with Women as an adult and enjoying them more.
• Romance with straight women just didn’t feel right.
• Friendships with queer women just naturally happened but those were that ones where is inevitably catch feels that I rarely did for straight women.
• When I did catch feelings for straight women I just knew it wouldn’t work out or be right for me without knowing why.
• The strong desire to be the best possible trans ally and a strong interest in trans issues.
• Incredibly jealousy and happiness for trans women who were living their best lives and happy and beautiful.
• A deep burning hatred for formal men’s wear whenever I felt forced to wear it. Didn’t matter comfy or objectively good I looked.
• Only getting excited to buy or wear clothes that softened my features and hid my masculinity.
• Being topless felt weird
• Always wanting to grow my hair out despite pressure not to

Again, these are all specific to my experience. There may be some common themes that resonate with you but there may not. I hope this helps in some way.

I don't feel like I've had strong gender dysphoria

If you already suspect you do, you do. And there's a flip side to gender dysphoria which is gender euphoria. At this stage, you can't really feel gender euphoria until you start experimenting with your gender expression.

Don't take advice from internet randos. Seek professional advice and help from people in related fields. From your phrasing there's alot more going on than gender related stuff and the way mental stuff entertwines, you don't want to just assume "A," when really "kinda A but really B and working on B makes A not a thing anymore" or "turns out it was C all along!"

As for gender specific stuff, try experimenting internally if you feel confused. You don't have to dress up and present as X or Y starting out, you can just apply it in thought and see how it feels. Refer to yourself mentally in different ways, see what feels good or "right" to you.

Disclaimer: cis as fuck but have a laundry list of other shit 😂 so I can't really speak to the second part but definitely know what I'm talking about with the first. Good luck!