TW: suicide
Don't want to hurt abusers, but I do want to be able to hurt them and choose not to. I think it'd help me if I gained the ability to imagine physical vengeance. I want this to end in forgiveness.
It's long been unsustainable for me to be a martyr. I waste my life away in maladaptive daydreaming where I imagine helping my past abusers. I've attempted suicide over the grief of past events, which gave me CPTSD and OCD.
I've had multiple physical abusers, and can barely imagine hurting them. I need to build the ability to imagine attacking. I think if I can imagine hurting my attackers and physically punishing them, including just for my own vindictive fun, then maybe I can gain the ability to actually forgive them.
Currently, I imagine giving them what they want, and then magically figuring out a compromise with them where they change their minds and stop being an abuser. (Like dating someone who sees me as a piece of meat, and using the relationship to change their mind so they're not a shithead anymore.) I think that's not actual forgiveness, it's just bending to their will. I cycle through these maladaptive daydreams of self-sacrificing for the benefit of the inhumane, and waste my life in suicidal grief. I'm skipping something crucial...
...I realize cannot truly forgive without making a choice to not hurt them. I think I need to first imagine brutal vengeance. Not to act it out, but as a step to expressing myself differently before I attempt forgiveness.
A friend has also been trying to train me in MMA, but I won't hit for real. I won't spar with them even though I know its good for me. I just imagine stopping danger through compromises that don't actually exist.
One session I hit a bag for real. I was down to punch after someone had attempted to assault me days earlier. Being vindictive seriously helps, and imagining torturing and annihilating the predator was a huge help.
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this might be terrible advice. Maybe since you have PTSD you are dealing with your body going into freeze mode when threatened, but you really need to get more fight mode. Practicing hitting for real and sparring will definitely help condition you to automatically respond when threatened, i have experienced this when i've been forced to self defend. It is automatic now.
I think just build up to making it feel safe to spar and feel angry. I feel like when i was stuck in feeling frozen from PTSD, i wouldn't even let myself feel anger because it was too dangerous for me, so maybe you're in the same place? Yeesh i'm terrible at this.
If you can't imagine hurting them over self-defense, maybe try imagining hurting them over some imagined defense of others. When sparring, as long as you've got safety equipment on, you're good to go. it's great practice for learning. If it's too real to think of it as real self defense, just think of it as a fun game like fencing to get yourself into it, that lets your body learn how to move and gets your brain time to warm up to the idea of actually hurting another person.
You could try reading some black panther's theory about self defense and seeing if any sticks with you into why it's good actually to be ready to hit back. I'm kicking myself because i don't remember exactly the title i'm thinking of, but Black Against Empire is great, or maybe it was Against Civility.
There's also a citations needed about nonviolence somewhere, i'm sure it's in the podcasts directory or here's the transcript.
Anyway, here's "In defense of self defense" by comrade Huey Newton
"the oppressor has no rights that the oppressed is bound to respect. Kill the slavemaster, destroy him utterly, move against him with implacable fortitude. Break his oppressive power by any means necessary."
Reading the summaries, it could be either. Lemme know if you find out.
No you're not terrible at this. You have reasonable thoughts from experience. Anger does feel dangerous for me. I've only thrown real hits in the middle of being high on hate.
Its hard to picture. I haven't been in situations where they're hurting anyone else in front of me. Just me and myself getting harmed.